2012 Year in Review

As we reflect on this past year, we have been clinging to God's truths - 

2 Peter 1:3-8

3 Jesus has the power of God, by which he has given us everything we need to live and to serve God. We have these things because we know him. Jesus called us by his glory and goodness. 4 Through these he gave us the very great and precious promises. With these gifts you can share in God’s nature, and the world will not ruin you with its evil desires. 5 Because you have these blessings, do your best to add these things to your lives: to your faith, add goodness; and to your goodness, add knowledge; 6 and to your knowledge, add self-control; and to your self-control, add patience; and to your patience, add service for God; 7 and to your service for God, add kindness for your brothers and sisters in Christ; and to this kindness, add love. 8 If all these things are in you and are growing, they will help you to be useful and productive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Ellie (age 10) is breezing through her last year in elementary school. She is having a great time starting gymnastics again (just 1 day a week now). She loves music - it’s her second year in Singing Eagles (her school’s choir for 4th and 5th graders). She also started taking piano lessons and loves practicing daily.  

Kasia (age 9) is thriving in 4th grade. She hit a growth spurt and is now almost 5 feet tall! She has continued her music love by joining the Singing Eagles with her sister and decided to take piano lessons after graduating Children’s Music Academy in the Spring.

Mathea (age 7) graduated kindergarten and is now loving first grade, although she does think she'd have more time with mom if she was homeschooled. Can you tell she's a mama's girl? She’s continuing her music education at Children’s Music Academy. She’s loving gymnastics and most days we can find her doing handstands against the wall or couch! 

All 3 of the girls are thriving in their winter skiing adventures! Mom gets quiet time  when they’re in the mountains and they get dad time. They are all enjoying Awana on Wednesday nights, giving mom and dad weekly date nights. They really enjoyed our 2 1/2 weeks road trip of the MidWest that we affectionately termed "Our American Girl Tour" visiting 4 American Girl Stores along the way (and passing on store #5 in Kansas City even though we were there). 

Christopher (age 4) is trusting us more each time we visit. He got to meet the entire family in May when we all travelled to Haiti. God blessed us with the opportunity to spend quality time with him at the orphanage in August and then Christy got another chance to see him in November. He’s strong-willed and sweet wrapped up in all-boy antics. We love seeing more of personality each time we're there. 

Amelia (2 months) is the newest member of the Hires’ team. While Christy was in Haiti in November, God put in on her heart that this precious miracle would be our 5th baby. When she returned home, the entire family confirmed that God was making our family complete. We were able to finish our part of the dossier in 2 weeks (that's uber-fast) but there is a long road ahead of us as we wait for our dossier to be translated, legalized and for her paperwork to be complete before we enter the Haitian system. We trust God’s hand will be with her through this wait time.

Tracy continues to work for teknovare with a steady contract in Seattle for now. It’s nice that he gets to see his brother’s family on a regular basis. He continued running in 2012 by finishing 3 half marathons. Even with all that running, he still prefers his mountain bike. He’s skiing with the girls this winter season. 

Christy is coming up on her 10 year anniversary with I^st Security Escrow Company. She'll be there until Christopher comes home. It's a blessing to stay busy during our wait. She was able to accomplish 6 half marathons this year, with one race in Oregon! She said good-bye to co-leading Women to Women at church in the spring but found a great Monday night Bible study this fall. She’s involved with the adoption group at our church and is really treasuring her trips to Haiti to visit our Haitian babies.

We covet your prayers that our faith will not be shaken and are looking forward to many changes in 2013! 

Next in Line, Please

Some wonder how in the world I can get all my Christmas cards in the mail and my Christmas shopping done before the turkey is barely cold on our Thanksgiving table. While I will credit my type A organized brain that gets the tasks done, I do have other motives. I hate crowds. I have only ever been to a handful of concerts, I dread professional game arenas, I don't believe it's just nerves at the start line of any running race and it's one of the major reasons why I don't ski with my family each winter. I've been thinking about the why in an attempt to say "Yes" to more events where there will be a lot of people.

At the root of it all, I believe it's that I need to feel a sense of fairness in my life. Although I hate long lines, I appreciate the Post Office's system of 1 line serves all. "Next in line" is called out and you know who is next by virtue of your placement. There's no fairness in picking a line at a store because it looks efficient only to see 2 rows down another line opens and someone else walks up and takes the chance to be next.

I only speak of my weakness as it has been brought to my attention with our adoption. We started our paperwork, our dossier, with Christopher July 2011. We had high hopes and big dreams that we could be the exception and be done faster than any other family who had gone before. We were matched with him August 2011 and our dossier was off to translation and out of our control by October 2011. 3 1/2 months of preparing, gathering and praying and then we got in line, so we thought. Our dossier arrived in Haiti right around Thanksgiving 2011 and we had hopes that we could be in the system, IBESR, by February. That time came and went. Suffice it to say, our "Next in line, please" didn't come as planned. The circumstances were/are in God's hands and when Christopher's paperwork finally came into order May 2012, it was a day after IBESR closed their doors to new dossiers. ONE DAY! What a difference a day makes took on a whole new meaning. There was nothing to be done. August 16, 2012, IBESR reopened and we still didn't get called. We had to painfully wait until August 31, 2012 to take our place in line. 9 months after our dossier arrived. A whole pregnancy term, we waited.

That's where we stand. We are in the infamous black whole of IBESR awaiting Presidential dispensation. It isn't fair and the waiting is downright cruel when I think about it so I don't. Not very often. It's too painful. How I long to hear it's our turn to bring our little man home. It's time. At least that's my opinion. God's plans are far greater than mine and so we continue to wait.

I avoid crowds. I apologize if you happen to be in that crowd. I'm trying not to have a pity party over the unfairness of the system I feel our children are trapped in. Know that our family appreciates each of your prayers and well wishes. We do appreciate each of your lives that have played an encouraging role in this journey. As we wait, I am reminded that I am surrounded by others who wait, too. With bated breath, we all long to hear, "Next in line, please," that phone call telling us to make final arrangements to bring our children into their forever home. I do envy those who seem to have it easier and get through quicker than we have but I hold nothing against them. I rejoice with those who rejoice. I just long for it to be us rejoicing this Christmas season. I long for fairness in an unfair world and I cling to God's promises.

Isaiah 30:18-19
¹⁸ So the Lord wants to show you kindness. He waits on high to have loving-pity on you. For the Lord is a God of what is right and fair. And good will come to all those who hope in Him. ¹⁹ O people in Zion who live in Jerusalem, you will cry no more. For sure He will show loving-kindness to you at the sound of your cry. When He hears it, He will answer you.

They Give Their All

It is truly humbling to bring home a gift from Haiti. I have had such a hard time collecting my thoughts to share with you all. I have started and erased about 3 times now. There are no words to describe how blessed I feel by the godly women who take care of the kids at Haiti Lifeline Orphanage. Many of them have entrusted their family members to take care of their own children so that they can be with mine. They give their time, their discipline, their love to no end. 

On any given day during my visit, I would leave Christopher playing near the guesthouse and find myself drawn to the second floor dormitory where there are 3 rooms. The baby room (up to about age 3), preschool-age room and kindergarten-age room. Throughout the day the babies and preschoolers will play in their rooms and the open air walkway between. They LOVE visitors and I find myself sitting down quickly so that 3 children can fit on my legs, 1 in each arm and a couple of girls playing with my hair. They crave smiles and tickles and hugs; they can't get enough hugs! It's such a treasure to love on these sweet babies (so many of them have homes in America and that thrills my soul, too).

I am always greeted with a smile by all the mamas. They may be folding clothes, sweeping the floor, getting bottles ready for the babies, braiding hair, sitting down for a quick break OR my favorite time - they're chatting with each other. They motion for me to pull up a bucket and I listen. What they are talking about, I don't usually know, but they are always willing to include me. Sometimes, we try to talk to each other but we never truly understand what the other is saying.  When the time comes, I stand and give hugs all around. I feel loved and accepted by these women and I would love to know their stories and write them for you all. 

As a thank you, I was able to head up cooking them dinner the night before we left. Suffice it to say, God blessed us all through that time together of thanks. Delva (Christopher's room mama) stood up when they were done eating and through a translator told us that the only gift they had to offer in return was a song and a prayer. It was so amazing to hear them sing in unison and hear her powerful prayer in Creole. As the night came to a close, Emily (the missionary that lives there) told me that Delva had something for me. Delva and Mary (Christopher's other room mama) had spent the day making paper flowers for me. I remember seeing them being made and thinking how beautiful they were. The time and money put into such a sweet gift made me cry. I didn't deserve them. These women deserved more of me than I had offered. They gave me their friendship and a gift. It was hard to accept. I had brought Christmas gifts that they will get in December and my gift felt so small in comparison. 

I was reminded of the verses in Mark of the woman who gave more than all the rich combined because she gave it all. Today, in the season of giving, I am humbled by the most valuable gift I have already received. Nothing will quite compare unless I am willing to give my all.


Mark 12:41-44

The Message (MSG)

^41-44 Sitting across from the offering box, he was observing how the crowd tossed money in for the collection. Many of the rich were making large contributions. One poor widow came up and put in two small coins—a measly two cents. Jesus called his disciples over and said, “The truth is that this poor widow gave more to the collection than all the others put together. All the others gave what they’ll never miss; she gave extravagantly what she couldn’t afford—she gave her all.

A Bit Overwhelming

Coming back to America after a trip to Haiti can be a bit harsh on the senses.

I know I thought the same thing about arriving and being in Haiti my first time. When entering into a poverty stricken country we can tend to focus on the stark differences our senses are experiencing:

Smells of different spices and food, diesel fuels from the street cars, decomposing trash, burn piles, human waste, foul standing water and sweat to name a few.
Sights of broken roads, dirt and filth, poorly cared for children, trash piled on the side of the road, a dead animal and staring people.
Sounds of bartering men and women at the roadside market, children laughing, trucks honking, loud music or political rants from speakers and men telling us, "I give you good price."
Touching, well, minimal touching at first as we hesitate and wonder what we may contract or expose ourselves to.
Tasting new foods, cold Cokes, warm filtered water, dust that chokes and diesel that seems to become a flavor.
Feeling, the sixth sense, the Holy Spirit sense that grabs our heart and tells us that everyone needs compassion, the kindness of a Savior. The look I get from an old man who says, "Mesi, Madam, God. Bless. You." as I had him a $10 bill for his trinkets that he is selling. (mesi is thank you in Creole). It's singing praise songs with the orphaned teenage girls on a dark concrete porch lit by a lone bulb and then hugging and kissing them all "Bon nwit" (good night) before bed. It's rocking a teeny 3 week old baby in my arms knowing that she was found in the mud and brought to Mama Nicole because God has a wonderful plan for her life.

Overwhelming to be there at first maybe but as I stay and become a part of their life I become more at peace. While there, I don't have the urgent need to check my email every hour. No rushing to appointments, no worries about missing t.v. shows, there aren't after school activities that take the kids away. We eat together, play together, braid hair, smile, tickle, hold babies, watch a soccer game in the field and try our hand at teaching each other English and Creole (which leads to laughing).

After four trips this year I have found it more overwhelming to return home. Even on the plane, I am reminded of how lucky I am to be able to fly, a luxury that many Haitians will never in their lifetime get to experience. I step off the plane and am bombarded with sights of excess. Thoughts like, we are a 2 car family, each of my girls has their own room, I left my clothes for the Mamas in Haiti because I have a closet full of things I didn't take. The junk mail when I got home caught me off guard. Magazines for Christmas gifts, coupons for shopping, reminders of holiday entertainment opportunities that we are told WE JUST CAN'T MISS. I struggle with modern conveniences that cause our lives to be "easier" but in the end seem to separate us into our own little worlds rather than bring us closer as friends and community. The sounds of ringing phones, television, and alarms that make my heart pound as I am reminded that there are tasks to be done.

I have been home for a little over 2 days now and my heart didn't pound with anxiety when I woke up this morning. I have handed my overwhelmed thoughts to the Lord. I will make the changes in my life that God has challenged me to make and I will continue to pray that my heart will be tender to the needs not only in Haiti but in my everyday life as well.

Phillipians 4:6-7 (The Message)
Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Silence is...

...golden.

But in my case, it's been painful and scary and hard. I have filled my moments where I could be silently waiting on the Lord because I fear hearing nothing.

Tracy and I returned from Haiti on August 14th LATE only to hit the ground running with the girls' first day of school the next morning. I didn't have to think or sit still, I just had to do. Hair, outfits, pictures, breakfast, lunches, hearing and telling stories, laundry, emails, work projects. The "to-do" list was great. I would sit down and process the trip later. There was no time. My heart is pounding right now remembering the anxious, overwhelmed feelings of needing it all to be done.

Fast forward and I found myself gearing up for another trip 2 months later, marveling at how time had flown. School, Bible study, running, working, family time, friend time, home management... I had spent time in the word and spent time praying but I had filled up the silence.

I didn't want to be still. Maybe there was fear of hopeless tears, maybe there was fear of being angry at God for not answering my prayers the way I desired, maybe there was fear of doubting God's grace in my son's life. Let me be honest - I KNOW those fears were there.

We found out on August 15th that IBESR would be opening their doors to new dossiers on the morning of the 16th. Our prayers were finally being answered and we would be in the Haitian system after waiting for almost 9 months after our responsibilities were completed! 2 weeks went by and our phone lines were silent. SILENT. No news, no file #, no movement. I am tearing up even now as my heart still gets clutched with frustration over not being able to control others' actions and others' hearts to be the first in line the morning they opened their doors. That's my child who sits in the orphanage an extra 2 weeks apart from us (and maybe longer because there were other files being delivered ahead of us). I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to sit silently bawling my eyes out to the Lord. It hurt too much to dwell in silence. What good does it do to hurt?

God can heal. That's the good. He can take the hurt and the frustration and the confusion of our hearts and clean out the sinful anger and sinful desire to turn away from godly dependence. He then can stitch up our wounds, bandage them and kiss away our tears. He can hold us up and whisper words of comfort that help us know we are not alone in this journey. My prayers have turned from speaking requests to silently listening for His answer. I've made known my heart; now I need to hear His.

We have a file number. It was given to us August 31, 2012. That's almost 14 months after we started the process and 1 year after being matched with Christopher. God asks, "What's 1 year in eternity?" I will wait.

Psalm 5:1-3 Listen to my words, Lord, consider my lament. 
Hear my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.
In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; 
in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.

I would give you the shirt off my back...

But you want the shoes on my feet?

God and I had a conversation earlier in the day about giving. Tracy and I came to Haiti with about 100 pounds of gently used shirts, swatches of fabric, diapers, wipes, soap and pillowcases. It came in 2 duffel bags that were staying. We personally packed light and expected that we would leave a majority of our wardrobe as well. I love to give especially when I know the gift will be used and appreciated.

Back to my God conversation. He and I were talking because one of the room mamas who doesn't speak English pointed to my bright red skirt, smiled and said "love"! I picked up the skirt while on vacation this summer in Kansas City. I bought it with the intention of leaving it and its sisters, bright blue skirt and bright purple skirt. They were fun colors but not really my style of choice. It was easy to tell her the skirt was hers tomorrow. I thanked God that my bright red skirt could bring someone such joy. He then said "Give it all". I thought about how I would divvy up my skirts. Would it be to the mamas or to the teenage girls? I didn't really have any intention of handing out my shirts. I brought running shirts that I had gotten at races. They had memories attached. This one was my first half marathon, this half marathon was my best finish time, this shirt is white and will be ruined within a couple of wearings, BUT if you want me to I will give them. Later, I went up to Christopher's room to take pictures of his roommates. Mama Delva is Christopher's room mama. She's beautiful and about my height. She also doesn't speak ANY English, not a word, and my creole is even more atrocious than my hand gestures so there's smiling, hugging and cheek kisses to show our blossoming friendship. She pointed to my shoes and nodded her head. Wait. What? You want my shoes? No. What? These, God? Are you sure she doesn't just want my blue skirt? They're not even going to fit her right! These are my Chacos!!

For you who don't understand my dismay, Chacos are REALLY expensive (I'll just call them as she saw them) flip flops. They have an arch support, the intricate straps are all 1 piece that weave around your foot, and once you figure out how big to make each loop they fit you like a tailored glove. I started wearing them after my Chiropractor called me out for buying orthotics for my running shoes and then wearing $2 Old Navy flip flops the rest of the day. "You're ruining you feet and no wonder your back hurts..." I wore them all summer: to the pool, after races, to church, with skirts, shorts, casual, semi-dressy... I hope you're getting the picture. They were my go-to shoe.

God was not asking me to give what was easy and unnecessary in my life; He was asking me to give up something slightly more precious and valuable. I was going to feel this gift giving. As I slid it off my foot the thought when through my mind, "don't fit." How selfish and rude! God knew they would fit. God saw her $2 flip flops and all the work she does on her feet all day and said to me, "I care for her feet and back, too." I care for you both. I love you both.

At the end of the week, Emily (the missionary that lives at Lifeline) and I walked upstairs with my Chacos. I handed them to her and Emily told her they were hers. The hug was so big and it matched her smile. As we were leaving, Emily said that those were probably the nicest shoes she'd ever had and they would last her a long time. I came home in my old Tevas that I planned on leaving at the orphanage, but I came home with a full heart, knowing that I listened to the prompting of God. I will not lie, I was resistant when God first asked for obedience. I wanted to make excuses that would justify my disobedience. As I shared the interaction with a team member she said, "You can always buy another pair when you get home." True. But what if I never replaced them? What if I went without as a reminder that there are many people in this world who go without every day and I am not usually one of them? God challenged me to go beyond my own plans and I obeyed.

Will I continue to hear God's prompting and be obedient even if it's past my comfort level or my own expectations? I deeply desire that to be true.

My Chacos and my fun red skirt

Precious Mama Delva 

(Thank you to whoever took this picture. It's borrowed from someone on our team).

Feels Like Coming Home

It was the weirdest feeling. I almost didn't lean out the window to catch a glimpse of the island as we started our descent. It had been an extremely long night, sleeping in the Newark airport rather than opting for a hotel room this time. I was freezing and huddled under my bath towel for 4 1/2 hours, just waiting for the first airport restaurant to open. Our flight left Newark 4 hours after my first cup of coffee and I was exhausted. I slept a little of the 4 hour flight but mostly prayed. Prayed that I would have enough emotional energy to sustain whatever would come, prayed for our little man that he would be willing to be himself, prayed for the kids at Haiti Lifeline that we would be with for a week, prayed for the team in South Dakota who was finishing their preparations to come 2 days after we arrived, prayed that our old plane would make it across the Atlantic corridor safely into Haiti and prayed that God would use me.

At the last minute, I opened my window shade and leaned over to take a look. "It feels like coming home" was literally the thought that popped in my head. This was my third trip in 8 months to a country that I never dreamed I would get a chance to visit once. I love the people, the sights, the food and my unexpected feeling of awe at the way a country can exude so much national pride with seemingly nothing to take pride in by Western standards. We landed, walked down the stairs onto the tarmac and over to the bus that takes us to immigration with ease as though it was the way it's done everywhere. The air was cool and after a shivering night, it was not a pleasant surprise. Tracy gathered our bags after easing our way through immigration and we began "the walk". The other 2 trips I/we were greeted by Patrick or one of his Haitian helpers to get us to the vehicle. You see, as you leave the airport, the"red shirts" are immediately there wanting to help you with your bags, help you get a ride, help, help, help. They always reassure you that they know who you are waiting for and that they can help you find them. None of this comes free and so we have to be careful to hold our bags tight, politely say, "No, mesi" and continue forward as though we know what we are doing even if we don't have a clue. We hadn't been in contact with Emily or Nicole personally so the panicked thoughts went through my head of what would we do scenarios if someone wasn't there to greet us. I don't know enough Creole to talk my way out of a box! At the end of the long outdoor corridor between baggage pick-up and the parking lot, there was Emily's smiling self waiting to greet us. The sight of her melted away all panic. Soon after that, we were pleasantly surprised that Mama Nicole came, too (the orphanage director). No sooner than we had our bags loaded and we were securely in the SUV, it began to rain.

Our trip to Haiti Lifeline was a quick drive relative to Haiti travel. It was a road very familiar since there is only 1 main road that goes from Port-au-Prince to Croix des Bouquet. Christopher knew we were coming and in his coy way he greeted us with great big cuddly hugs. We got to eat right away even though it was 3:00 in the afternoon by the time we sat down. It was an enormous spread. Nicole and I had many conversations about Haiti's way of life and eating and being hospitable. I gobbled up the delicious food and any words that this dear lady had to share. It feels like getting to know Christopher's family and I am always so eager to hear any tidbit of her life and his that she has to share.


We flew in on Wednesday afternoon and wouldn't see the rest of our team until Friday afternoon. Our first few days were the 2 of us and 2 other guys from Kansas, Phil and David. It felt like Tracy got put to work right away after we got our things to our rooms. Christopher was given the choice to sleep with me, Papa or in his own bed. He chose me. I didn't bring enough clothes since I really didn't know what to expect, whether he would be with me or more independent, if he wanted what was familiar, if he was even aware of how it worked. I think he has seen enough mamas and papas come to know the routine. You get to be in the guesthouse eating all their food, wearing their clothes and being treated like a king! That's what he wanted so up to his room and his room mama, Mama Delva, to get more clothes and say Hi to all his roomies. I know many of them through their parents on Facebook. It is so special to see each face and know how loved they are by an awaiting family. I hugged and kissed them all with a little twinge of sadness for Mama Delva as I realized that she would be saying goodbye to all her babies within the next year and getting another 10-12 kids to love and take care of. She doesn't speak any English. I would love to ask her - does she ever think about the goodbyes?

There are so many details floating and I am trying to sort through what happened when. I didn't take my computer and typing on my i-Pad was too daunting of a task, especially if I took it outside the guesthouse. The kids were very eager for technology toys and I obliged until I realized they were spending more time hovered around a game than wanting to interact with me or each other (sound like any kid you know?) I resorted to taking my morning coffee to the school room with my journal which only got confiscated by more children who wanted to impress me with their writing skills. I had them write their names. That is one of my most treasured couple of sheets in that journal. It brought tears to my eyes as I thought of how each of my girls used to doodle their names and gibberish in amongst my scrawl. The thought that kept coming to me over and over was - these kids aren't much different than my girls.

My camera got taken while I was trying to journal

Always drinking coffee

I know not much of this first entry is about Christopher. This trip was longer than the other 2 trips and God had so much happen that I felt I had better start unpacking one thought stream at a time. Rest assured, I have much more to share. God has more to share with you, too, through my words. I can't wait to have time to pen them all.

Ugghh...

Bedtime was good. He slept through the night. We had the AC and fan on which made the room very cool and he slept through with no problems. I can't tell if he remembers overeating but he certainly doesn't stuff himself on snacks like our December trip. He was so distracted at breakfast that I don't think he ate more than half a piece of toast. He likes coffee though! All the friends that are there are venturing further away from their parents and they played together in the morning. I found him in Wenkie's room and when we left he pointed to the pool. He never showed interest before so I left him get in clothes and all. I didn't have my suit on so another mom held him until Tracy came and got in with him. He didn't understand why I didn't get in so he got quiet and wanted out. He cuddled with me for a while in the courtyard and when I asked if he wanted to get changed he nodded. We had already packed his clothes in the bag from the orphanage. When I went to grab clothes from the bag and dressed him, it started another fit of anger and wailing for almost 45 minutes after he stripped his clothes off. Poor little man! These kids are so smart. Many parents said their kids knew they were going home and were sullen.  We went as a family to market for cokes and souvenirs. He wanted a "machine" (a 4-wheeler toy) and of course I obliged. It was fun to be together 1 last time before 10 families piled into 2 vans and began our trek back to their home. Nicole and her ladies fixed us an amazing lunch of chicken, spicy cheesy potatoes, avocado, beets & carrots, fried plantains, rice & beans and cake for dessert. The kids were in their element and many of them looked so happy to be home, although they were never far from their parents. Our girls got whisked away after lunch to the school rooms. I wish I had gotten a picture. They got their hair braided (I got that picture) and they received notes from their friends. I told the girls, it is their chance to have true pen pals. I traded Crocs with Miliane who had too small of shoes on her feet.  We got to talk one-on-one with Nicole and ask her the questions about Christopher. She asked how Christopher did while at the hotel, and we shared about the hard times. She talked to us about how he needed us, a special family, to show him that we will never leave him like his mother did. Patrick said she didn't ask the other families how their kids did at the hotel, showing us that she knows he has special emotional needs.  All the families got together and Nicole thanked us and told us she needs our prayers more than our money. She said adopting her children is very hard for her, but God called her to this ministry and she wants her children above all to know and love the Lord and serve Him. She left her children and many of the nannies have "orphaned" their children in order to love ours. It was a tearful and beautiful goodbye. Christopher and I walked up to his bedroom on the 2nd floor of the dorms and gave his room mama a present, hugged her and gave her a tearful thank you. He wouldn't stay with her. I took him back down and handed him to Nicole. I didn't see him again. Dinner was quiet. It started downpouring after dinner. It fit. Packing was quiet. The girls were sad. They were tired. We are all struggling with emotions. It will feel good to be home and start a routine again. This trip will never be forgotten. It made a huge impression on us all.

Is that a giggle I hear?

Day 3 - Yep, we're those parents. We resorted to a little Tylenol to see if it would take the edge off and he would sleep. The bedtime routine was quiet and structured. As we were praying, our little man gave up the fight of Day 2 and fell asleep. Deep sleep. I woke up this morning excited to see he had slept through wetting the bed. 11 hours of solid sleep! WooHoo. I had to wake him because we needed to eat breakfast before we left for our Embassy appt. He woke up with no problems, let me dress him and carry him down to breakfast! Success. What a peaceful feeling to have him cuddle into my arms, snuggle in my lap to eat, and he only let's mama take him to the "toilet". I knew we had turned a corner in trust as he got more and more sullen watching the parents come and go in the courtyard. He KNEW that something wasn't right and he started crying as soon as he saw his nannies. The girls couldn't console him. I gave him a hug and kisses as we left. The girls reported he stopped crying about 5 minutes after we left. He had to have been a little comforted at the sight that the girls were still with him. Our appts. were set for 8am. Patrick informed us that we could be a little late since they typically don't open the doors until between 8-8:30. We couldn't leave for the Embassy until the nannies came so we were late because they were late. 9 couples piled into 2 vans and we arrived at 9am, right on time (wink). Nothing but praises for Patrick as he navigated us through security and got us all checked in. The waitroom looks like a typical waiting area with rows of chairs facing each other while you wait to get called by people behind the glass. We each got 2 turns since we were a big group. Our first pass was to verify that our passports and paperwork all matched. We then got called up by another woman who asked us many questions. She was speaking to the couples from behind glass and her microphone was turned us so loud that we could eavesdrop on each familiy's mini interview. We had fun by how she mixed up the questions; joking it was so we couldn't rehearse our answers and cheat! We anticipated over 4 hours wait but we were blessed by being in and out in 3 hours. We got back at lunchtime and were able to spend great time with the kiddos. Christopher was actually giggly within a short time of us returning, and then he snoozed in my arms for over an hour. I went swimming with the girls after his nap, but Christopher didn't want to have anything to do the water. Dinner buffet was more American with spaghetti, herb potatoes, chicken,and snap peas. The girls aren't having a lot of fun trying new food. We are going to be building up our vitamins and nutrients as soon as we get home! Bedtime was pretty easy. He loves being sung to and rocked. It will be easy to go through the baby stages with him. I get the feeling he missed that; all of it - rocking, cuddling, sweet baby talk...He loves getting kissy cheeks! Tomorrow, we say goodbye. Wish we could stay on this great day for a few more days, the days with giggle boy!

Adoption is Not For The Weak...

Oh God, I need to not have this pain in my back! This was my prayer at 3:45am this morning as I tried sleeping sitting up while rocking our son who had been crying off and on since 2:00am. Roosters don't just crow at dawn, dogs don't have owners to bring them inside when they bark all night and the mean parrot in the open air lobby wakes up early and let's us all know. I don't remember ever falling asleep but soon dawn was breaking as I drifted off, praying again that this would be the morning the girls would sleep through til 8:00. It's tough to start a day in the deficit but getting down to breakfast wasn't too bad. We made it with very little pouting from our little man. The language barrier causes a lot of miscommunication. When you can only say "yes" or "no" to a point rather than offering another choice, communication goes south and then he begins his shutdown stand-off. Many times he goes there and we don't understand why and we never will until we speak the same language. After breakfast, we got our first giggles. Then it happened. There was an incident and he proceeded to cry for almost 90 minutes. At first in anger and then from pure exhaustion. Out little man didn't sleep last night and it was catching up with him. The day was off and on not at all what the family had hoped it could be. We adjusted our hopes and expectations for having fun and being a playful family. I took the Kasia and Mathea to a Haitian market which resembles a WalMart style store crammed into an small Walgreens Pharmacy (a lot like the stores in Mexico!) We bought Pringles and sandwich fixins for our lunches. We went outside the gate and gave hugs to my friend Maxo who paints gorgeous paintings and will try to get any souvenir we ask for. He gave Tracy a necklace, Kasia a necklace and Ellie and Kasia got free bracelets! So much for them saving their money for souvenirs. Ellie paid for a gorgeous painting that fits her room. It's even stretched so she can hang it as soon as we get home. The girls went swimming, Mathea got a sunburn, they met English speaking girls staying at the hotel who were welcomed new playmates and we again had delicious Haitian cuisine. Fried pigs feet, beef stew, rice and black beans, pikliz, wilted greens and fried plantains! Poor Picky Ellie ate white rice and white bread. She's trying. The family is asleep after very cold showers that cooled us all off from the humid day. They are burning trash which brings on headaches and it's sprinkling ever so slightly. Tomorrow is our Embassy appt. This is when we file Christopher's visa application so that they can begin getting his visa as soon as he's ours. AWESOME news today...Out lawyer just needs to pick up 1 more completed form and Christopher's dossier is complete. You hesrd me right, we've been told it's done. We will then wait until June 1st when IBESR opens their doors to new families again. For those we haven't told, the week before we came we heard that IBESR would not take new cases for the month of May in order to expedite the kids already in the system. We know there is no rhyme or reason to this Haitian adoption system from our eyes. We just pray that this month isn't lost waiting to bring our little man home. We pray that it works to our advantage and we pray for the IBESR officials - that they have our children's, their children's, best interest at the heart of this process. Good Night noises everywhere.

Haiti, Day 1

Our motto today - Be Flexible! We were on a plane at 6am Eastern time (way too early) and had a roller coaster ride of emotions. We were feeling it all - tired, excited, hot, cold, bored, uncomfortable, energetic from excitement! The plane was horrendously turbulent but we hit ground safely and passed through customs with a breeze. (side note- President Martelly was on a plane from Miami with a few of our families so maybe he is going to get to signing some dossiers this month!) The girls weren't quite prepared for being slightly overtired and a little too hot as we arrived. Haiti is exponentially more humid than our Colorado climate. The pool helped, but the 5 hour wait for the 11 families to arrive so that we could get Christopher was hard for the girls to wrap their minds around. We tried to stay busy and make small adjustments here and there. All in all I'd have to actually brag on our troopers! They each commented on how much fun their first day was in Haiti. I love how easily my kids can remember the positive in a day that wasn't what they expected. Through washed out streets and the busyness of life here, we finally made it to Haiti Lifeline around 3ish. I'm trying not to look at the time down here. it helps my scheduled type-A personality let go of control. We had to search for Christopher. I was grateful I had been before so that I could go straight to his bedroom. He knew he was coming because we had just had a bath and was getting new clothes on. I had a new family album for him and came and kissed it. He acted like he remembered me but was very aloof and stayed very protective. He went to Tracy which thrilled us both. The girls are having a hard time with our "no holding Christopher" rule today. He was overwhelmed but didn't seem to mind 3 cutie pies in his face for the most part. There were tween girls that I met in Decemebr that wanted to be friends with the girls. After a little debate and firmness on Miliane, each girl had a friend and they were whisked away to play and sing and get a tour. The girls LOVED it! We were given a 2 story apartment with 2 bedrooms, a iving room, kitchen and 2 toilets! Spoiled! We will get to go to market tomorrow and buy lunch food. Si so many families in our group, the hotel is offering a. Under each night. It was awesome tonight and each girl found something to eat. It was traditional Haitian food - chicken, fish, potatoes, rice & beans, cabbage slaw, pickled veggies. YUMMY! Christopher is sweet. He's not willing to trust yet. He's an observer who hates change. He lets us hold him and take him wherever we are going. We are praying for a morning of no tears and a quick turn to comfort on his part. Tracy would love to see his smile in real life ;) the girls too for that matter. Tomorrow is a relax day here. I will try to post pics tomorrow. Some families weren't having any luck.

Speechless

Speechless this morning. Maybe because it's 5 in the morning or maybe I truly have no words to describe how I am feeling. I think it's the latter. On a run this past week, I tried to formulate expectations that I have not spoken. More than expectations, they came out as fears. The 2 I came up with were that Christopher will go to the girls to have his needs met and will not want my help and that he won't have a glimmer of recognition and will not want to be with our family. I have since laid these down knowing that we will work through any rough situation. The girls know to direct Christopher's needs back to me and I believe he will be comfortable with us at the hotel with his friends. As I begin to wake up, my coffee is kicking in and I am beginning to focus on the excitement bubbling up in my soul. I am excited about meeting new family friends; friends for life, connected through our children and their Haitian heritage. I am excited about seeing the country of Haiti again. There truly is beauty throughout. I am excited about lavishing love on our son, establishing a further bond in our hearts for our family. I am excited for my family and all the new experiences that they will have for the rest of their lives. I can't wait to share more tonight after we are reunited with Christopher. If you are praying: Pray for a safe flight to Haiti and an easy customs transition. Pray for the girls' as they are a little tired from being so excited yesterday Pray that Christopher's heart will be open to his new family this week

Good Days and Bad Days

I am not really a morning person. My internal clock would rather be set to begin later than sunrise but I have found the quiet of the morning invaluable as my kids get older and sleep later. I may even get to finish a whole cup of coffee before I hear the first stirring in the house. That said, I have 1 daughter who is CLEARLY a morning person. She wakes up with a song in her voice and a smile on her face. I have a daughter who can be pretty cheery as long as she's gotten a full night's sleep. I then have my darling daughter who we cautiously wake each morning as though waking a hibernating bear. Mornings can be a bit unpredictable before school so we (or should I say "I") started a morning tradition a few months back.


We have a "morning song" 5 minutes before they walk out the door to school. Each girl gets a turn to pick the song. Our favorite for a while now is Mandisa's "Good Morning". It's bright and cheery and we can DANCE!! We turn it up loud, singing and dancing for a few minutes before the reality of the day sends each of us in a different direction.


Yesterday morning we were singing at the top of our lungs and I got a catch in my throat (you know, the one that causes you to stop singing mid sentence?). The words were "I can feel the hope that's rising up in me." I held back my tears. I realized I was having a good day after quite a few bad days. 


Bad days...I mean REALLY bad days. The kind where sunglasses are a must in the grocery store; otherwise, everyone will wonder who died evidenced by the puffy red eyes and the blotchy face (I have mastered the "ugly cry"). I'd like to blame it all on my age and the fact that hormones can start surging. I'd like to say work is stressing me out or I'm a super sensitive person, but those wouldn't be the truth. I took a couple of sleepless nights and a few quiet moments to God and asked, "What is going on? This isn't like me and I hate it!"


I felt like I was doing an amazing job of weathering all the ups and downs of the adoption. My son is well cared for and truly loved by those at the orphanage. He doesn't know what he's missing. This is part of God's plan to help prepare our hearts to bring him home. I could put each emotion that came up in a different box and close the lid. Those lids popped open last week and the tears started. Then, instead of emptying my boxes a Christ's feet, I started listening to the lies that were forming in my head. 


Lies of the enemy: 
I'm not ready to be Christopher's mom. 
I'm jealous of everyone else's forward progress. 
It's wrong to want the process to be faster and for our story to be the exception and miraculous. 
Being sad isn't helping - I have to be strong and positive for my family. 
Wanting to know the details of this adoption process is because of my controlling nature.


The enemy lies in wait for when we are weak and tired; he then twists words. These statements can sound logical and true, but they are wrong! I long for what is mine that I cannot have now. This adoption process is showing me so many parallels of my walk with Jesus. 


I cling to what He has given me, what He has promised me as His child that I only have in part while living here. So through my good days and bad days, He is teaching me that it's okay to be weak, vulnerable and honest. It's just a reminder that this world is not our home and that our longing for things to be made right is a longing for Him.


1 Corinthians 13:12
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.

Surrender

I've been hearing that word lately.
Can't put my finger on why...I'm so good at it (oozing sarcasm!)

I was reading the Bible but couldn't break free from my old limited thoughts of surrender: laying down my life, following Christ, turning the other cheek, giving up what holds me back from serving God. Yes, all that was true but what was I missing that I couldn't fit surrender into my current circumstance? Just as the rich young ruler in Matthew 19 ask, "I've done all that. What am I lacking?" I went to my huge home library to search for a wise scholar's answers and found no books on the topic. zip. zilch. nada. That was a harsh reality. I've NEVER wanted to read about surrender!?! 

Surrender. I sure have been through it a few times in my life. It's painful when I resist and oh so hard to endure the war inside when my old self creeps in to see if the coast is clear to come back for a staycation in my heart. Surrender has always sounded so final. It ends wars, fights, life. True, but I've been rethinking the whole process of surrender. Surrender also begins newness, birth.  

I have controlling tendencies. That is what God is asking me to surrender. Just as the rich young ruler couldn't imagine giving away his fortune, I struggle with handing control over to God. I'm a doer. If I'm idle, then I must be sick. There's never an excuse for sitting still unless it's to catch my breath before I move on to my next task. I've been striving to read books about adoption, go to all my parenting classes, chat with moms who've been there, are there, are wanting to be there. I've been asking questions and readying my heart and my home. I'm doing my part. Then. Wait For It.

God's asks me to surrender. To the process. To His timing. To stillness. I have to acknowledge that my only requirement now is to keep my listening ears tuned to God. Obedience, trust and prayer is what I hear today. I have to let go and stop striving in order to hear from God. I know how I want to prepare for this little man in my life and our family, but how does God want to prepare me? 

Happy Half Birthday, Ellie and Christopher!

Two days ago, we recognized our 9 year-olds half birthday and Christopher's half birthday (officially 3 1/2) was yesterday. We aren't a family who normally celebrates the little milestones but in fourth grade, Ellie's class celebrates half birthdays for those kids whose birthdays fall in the summer. The precedent is goodie bags and not food. I am not a gift giver by nature so I was a little perturbed last night at 7pm when I was driving the girls to WalMart in search of cheap but not worthless trinkets that she could share with her class. I am not proud of my critical heart as we returned home and I stuffed 25 bags for sharing.

Ellie delights in the little things. Her room is filled with memorabilia (I like to think of it as junk) that she has picked up from vacations, gymnastics, friends, birthday parties, kids' meals, from the beach, from a walk, our backyard. She's told me before as I have tried to separate her from all her boxes of treasurers that each piece has a memory. As she's gotten older we now have a deal that if she can't remember the memory after a year, it may be worth thinking about parting with certain pieces. I've been thinking about it all today. One of Ellie's love languages is Quality Time. I'm pretty sure one of Ellie's love languages is NOT gifts. But she does enjoy passing on small gifts to her friends so that maybe others will have fun or feel special.

What aspect of Christopher am I missing out on today? My girls surprise me daily with their wisdom or innocence or new silliness. What is Christopher's love language? Gary Chapman wrote a book, The Five Love Languages, which I highly recommend any parent add to their repertoire of reading. It is so helpful to meet our kids' needs knowing how they appreciate seeing love lived out.

Happy Half Birthday to my oldest and youngest! Mama is praying that God is continually showing himself real in your life, that you see beauty in the everyday and that hope gives you wings to rise above the days that drag you down.

Memories of Haiti

There was a pool at our hotel. I didn't want to cause a fear of water with Christopher since he had never been swimming before. I sat down at the side of the pool, pulled my capris up past my knees, and called Christopher over to the edge of the pool. He came over to sit in my lap. I put him tightly in my arms and let his feet dangle in the pool. Before he would splash, he pulled up his swim trunks past his knees just like mama. It was so sweet. He didn't seem to want to swim but he did enjoy sitting with me splashing his feet. Maybe next trip, I will be able to get him in.

Lunch the second day of my visit, Christopher was a little sleepy from all the activities. As we sat waiting for our food, he laid his head down on my lap. I quickly realized, he was asleep. In this little way, it helped me as a mom feel that he was learning to trust me.

He shared with his friends. I don't mean the way our kids share when they have something so precious to them, with reluctance and only under stern prompting. While at the hotel, Christopher and his 2 friends made sure they each were taken care of. They each had balloons, granola bars, balls, turns with each other's cars. They'd barter and trade toys for food. Sometimes, they'd trade food for food depending on what was being offered. I can't wait to bring that heart home. On the last day, when we were sitting at the orphanage eating lunch, he came in to where we were eating from being outside. I pulled him up on my lap, continued to eat and talk with the adults and didn't really focus on him other than to offer him whatever food he wanted that was on my plate. It had been full of chicken, rice and beans, potatoes, salad, and a delicious pasta dish. It wasn't until he was climbing onto my lap for the 3rd time that I realized he was up to something. I stopped my conversation to observe him picking every last bit of meat off the chicken bones, walk his precious treat out to the small children standing at the door and hand them my food. I helped him clean my plate of all the yummy leftovers and smiled as he carefully walked the morsels over to the door. Such tender care for others. That's what I saw when I stopped to watch.

One afternoon, we were going to go on a tour of Port-au-Prince. I wanted to see more of Haiti and take pictures of the Presidential palace. We all piled into the small SUV (9 of us) driven by our fearless agency director, Patrick. About 1/2 mile down the 4-wheel drive road and 1 minor concussion later from smacking my head on the roof of the SUV, Patrick announces he doesn't feel this vehicle is safe. Not yet being in a vehicle that didn't have a cracked windshield and dents, I thought it was a funny statement! He got on the phone, argued with the man who rented him the SUV for the day, hung up and announced - "This man asked ME why we were driving their one vehicle that has no brakes - it's for emergencies only!" So different in Haiti. Needless to say, that was our one chance at a tour and I have to wait to see more of Haiti until April.