And Breathe...

I'm always in control. Of my emotions, of my schedule, of my kids' schedule, of my me time, of my small business startup. Until I'm not.

The most overused misquote from the Bible is, "God will not give you anything you can't handle." I encourage you to read 1 Corinthians 10 with the understanding that this passage is about being tempted to sin and not about being handed some tough blows from a cruel world. You'll not find that quote anywhere in Corinthians or anywhere in the Bible for that matter. I believe God does give us situations we can't handle ON OUR OWN. When we receive news that feels crushing, it may be that the news IS crushing us; news that changes our current trajectory to an entirely different path than we were on just hours before.

Career. It's been a month since Tracy came home to tell me that his company was closing its doors. Chest tight. Can hardly breathe. I'm telling myself, "Hold it together and ask questions." My past trauma comes flooding back. This wasn't the first time I'd heard this news from him. We had been married for 4 months, pregnant for 2 and were till figuring out life together. Panic then was nothing compared to the panic I was having to stuff down in a new box of something else I needed to control. Before: No kids. Rent. Working a full-time job for income. Now: 4 kids with 1 more coming. Mortgage. Small business in the startup phase. When do we tell the kids? How long will we be able to pay the bills? Will we have to move? Are there jobs even available? Can I be emotionally strong for 6 people? Pretty sure I can't handle this one.

Adoption #1. You.Meet.Your.Baby. I say baby because really, when do your kids stop being your baby? When they start having their own? Whether it's a picture or in person you see that being meant to be in your family and you hope. A desire and then a tug on the heart and you're a goner. I hoped and dreamt and created a future where everything was going to be restored. But really adoption has stripped me bare of any idea that I have a sliver of control over another person's heart. It has taught me that no matter how much I want someone else to make the right choices, choose healing, seek forgiveness for their own heart, I can only influence. I can pray, I can demonstrate, I can set boundaries, I can continue to hope, but I can't be the answer. I still struggle to know what part of the story with my son is OUR story and which part is mine. I do so want to share what I have been through but I would never want to cause him shame or hurt over the grievances done to me. Pretty sure I can't handle this.

Adoption #2. Rules have changed. Anguish ensues. Every day passed is another day without my family complete. I met her when she was a newborn. She's now over 3 years old. Sucking the life out of me writing those words. I've written and shared a little about this journey. This saga is not new to most of you; it's just that sometimes I realize I have no control over my emotions and I'm a hot mess. No one needs to see that. It's ugly. Can't handle this.

Education. One heading to college (& she's really only going to be a freshman in high school, but her amazing planning has me visualizing her 4 years from now), one who wants to be homeschooled, one who needs more help with school than anyone seems to know how to handle right now. Yes, I have 4 kids and I'm thankful one is doing well today. Between researching curriculum, high school class options, college prep courses, private schools, comprehensive testing, counseling, psychologists...I just want to sit in my closet and cry. Nope. I know I can't handle this.

It's when I find rest under God's strong wings that I can find the strength to battle on. It's when I can have eternal perspective given to me by God that I see these trials as temporary. I am sure that "this too shall pass". I will become older and wiser and have a few more gray hairs on my head, but I will not give up. With God's strength I will handle it all. I will relinquish the control I think I have and breathe...

The moment of truth

It’s that moment when I realized I had been denying truth for a very long time. I sat there weeping in front of some of my very close friends and some very real strangers knowing that there was no way out of the ugly cry. 

At the end of a women’s weekend conference, we were asked to respond to this question - What’s your next move? 

I couldn’t decide. Every word and answer in my head was vague. I figured that since nothing was jumping out at me it wasn’t my time to hear from God. Just wait, Christy. The day's almost over then you can mull it over when you get home. 

Then I heard it. I stood up, went to the front of the room and wrote my answer. 

TRUST THAT GOD IS GOOD. 

I didn’t like it. The moment I wrote it I got mad at myself. Of course I know God is good. Why did I write that? That's my next move? So I began again. I wrote

TRUST THAT GOD HAS GOOD FOR MY FAMILY. 

What?! That’s not what I meant either! Of course God has good for my family. I know His promises. I know His truth. I slunk back to my seat and plopped down. Then the song started…

Oh, I've heard a thousand stories of what they think you're like

But I've heard the tender whisper of love in the dead of night

And you tell me that you're pleased

And that I'm never alone

You’re a good, good Father. 

It’s who you are. It’s who you are.

And I’m loved by you. 

It’s who I am. It’s who I am. 

Oh, and I've seen many searching for answers far and wide

But I know we're all searching

For answers only you provide

Cause you know just what we need

Before we say a word

Cause you are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways to us

Oh, it's love so undeniable

I, I can hardly speak

Peace so unexplainable

I, I can hardly think

As you call me deeper still [x3]

Into love, love, love

You’re a good, good Father. 

It’s who you are. It’s who you are.

And I’m loved by you. 

It’s who I am. It’s who I am.

Cue ugly cry. Like head still hurting, eyes still puffy 6 hours later cry. If God is good, Then... I stood in front of these women snot-nosed and blotchy confessing that I doubted God's goodness. For a good long while, I had been stuffing my emotions and binge watching Netflix and filling my time so that I didn’t have to confront that truth that I was so mad I couldn't see God as good. I am mad at the injustice of my scarred son who deserved to be loved by his tummy mommy and didn’t deserve the abuse that he’ll never be able to recall; mad that my daughter is still caught in another country’s broken adoption system growing up without a loving mom who wants to kiss her and hold her when she’s scared and tickle her to make her laugh and watch her sleep and make happy childhood memories; mad that I don’t know when my family will be all together and definitely mad that even when we are all under one roof life will still be hard because healing from trauma is ugly. I’m mad that I can’t do anything about it even though moms are supposed to be able to protect their children and shelter them from this cruel world. I’m mad that I can’t hold my daughter, and I’m mad that most days my son makes me work so hard to prove my love to him. 

BUT

God is good. If we can’t accept that we are doomed. He is not cruel. He is not vindictive. He is not punishing my kids or me. He is perfect in all of His ways. When we lose sight of eternity (which I have done bunches over the last 28 months) then we lose sight of our purpose here on earth. We are not here on this earth to have the happiest, safest, most blessed life. We are here to bring glory to God. We are His image bearers. I confess I lost sight of what is truly important. I will never be able to fix my family in my own strength. I will not be able to make anyone whole. I can only fill my life cup and pour out. When I am filled with God's love I then have pure love to pour out.

The truth I have been denying is that God is Good and I am not; not without Him. I cannot take the wheel and assume control and do better for myself. I am nothing apart from God. I am a good mom because He first loved me. I am compassionate because God demonstrated His own love for me by sending His son to die for my sins. Sin separated me from God. When I confessed my sin and believed that Jesus died in my place I was brought into the family of God; promised a chance to spend eternity worshiping my Creator. I want to remember that this world is not my home. He did not promise me happiness and ease while living here. He promised everlasting life to those who repent from sin and believe that He is our Savior. I must rest that I am only a small part of His story. I must believe that God's goodness and my happiness are not the same. For now, my next move is I will meditate and continue to offer these words to God and abide in these truths - 

I TRUST THAT YOU ARE GOOD (In fact, perfect in all Your ways)

I TRUST THAT YOU HAVE GOOD FOR MY FAMILY.