And Breathe...

I'm always in control. Of my emotions, of my schedule, of my kids' schedule, of my me time, of my small business startup. Until I'm not.

The most overused misquote from the Bible is, "God will not give you anything you can't handle." I encourage you to read 1 Corinthians 10 with the understanding that this passage is about being tempted to sin and not about being handed some tough blows from a cruel world. You'll not find that quote anywhere in Corinthians or anywhere in the Bible for that matter. I believe God does give us situations we can't handle ON OUR OWN. When we receive news that feels crushing, it may be that the news IS crushing us; news that changes our current trajectory to an entirely different path than we were on just hours before.

Career. It's been a month since Tracy came home to tell me that his company was closing its doors. Chest tight. Can hardly breathe. I'm telling myself, "Hold it together and ask questions." My past trauma comes flooding back. This wasn't the first time I'd heard this news from him. We had been married for 4 months, pregnant for 2 and were till figuring out life together. Panic then was nothing compared to the panic I was having to stuff down in a new box of something else I needed to control. Before: No kids. Rent. Working a full-time job for income. Now: 4 kids with 1 more coming. Mortgage. Small business in the startup phase. When do we tell the kids? How long will we be able to pay the bills? Will we have to move? Are there jobs even available? Can I be emotionally strong for 6 people? Pretty sure I can't handle this one.

Adoption #1. You.Meet.Your.Baby. I say baby because really, when do your kids stop being your baby? When they start having their own? Whether it's a picture or in person you see that being meant to be in your family and you hope. A desire and then a tug on the heart and you're a goner. I hoped and dreamt and created a future where everything was going to be restored. But really adoption has stripped me bare of any idea that I have a sliver of control over another person's heart. It has taught me that no matter how much I want someone else to make the right choices, choose healing, seek forgiveness for their own heart, I can only influence. I can pray, I can demonstrate, I can set boundaries, I can continue to hope, but I can't be the answer. I still struggle to know what part of the story with my son is OUR story and which part is mine. I do so want to share what I have been through but I would never want to cause him shame or hurt over the grievances done to me. Pretty sure I can't handle this.

Adoption #2. Rules have changed. Anguish ensues. Every day passed is another day without my family complete. I met her when she was a newborn. She's now over 3 years old. Sucking the life out of me writing those words. I've written and shared a little about this journey. This saga is not new to most of you; it's just that sometimes I realize I have no control over my emotions and I'm a hot mess. No one needs to see that. It's ugly. Can't handle this.

Education. One heading to college (& she's really only going to be a freshman in high school, but her amazing planning has me visualizing her 4 years from now), one who wants to be homeschooled, one who needs more help with school than anyone seems to know how to handle right now. Yes, I have 4 kids and I'm thankful one is doing well today. Between researching curriculum, high school class options, college prep courses, private schools, comprehensive testing, counseling, psychologists...I just want to sit in my closet and cry. Nope. I know I can't handle this.

It's when I find rest under God's strong wings that I can find the strength to battle on. It's when I can have eternal perspective given to me by God that I see these trials as temporary. I am sure that "this too shall pass". I will become older and wiser and have a few more gray hairs on my head, but I will not give up. With God's strength I will handle it all. I will relinquish the control I think I have and breathe...