It’s that moment when I realized I had been denying truth for a very long time. I sat there weeping in front of some of my very close friends and some very real strangers knowing that there was no way out of the ugly cry.
At the end of a women’s weekend conference, we were asked to respond to this question - What’s your next move?
I couldn’t decide. Every word and answer in my head was vague. I figured that since nothing was jumping out at me it wasn’t my time to hear from God. Just wait, Christy. The day's almost over then you can mull it over when you get home.
Then I heard it. I stood up, went to the front of the room and wrote my answer.
TRUST THAT GOD IS GOOD.
I didn’t like it. The moment I wrote it I got mad at myself. Of course I know God is good. Why did I write that? That's my next move? So I began again. I wrote
TRUST THAT GOD HAS GOOD FOR MY FAMILY.
What?! That’s not what I meant either! Of course God has good for my family. I know His promises. I know His truth. I slunk back to my seat and plopped down. Then the song started…
Oh, I've heard a thousand stories of what they think you're like
But I've heard the tender whisper of love in the dead of night
And you tell me that you're pleased
And that I'm never alone
You’re a good, good Father.
It’s who you are. It’s who you are.
And I’m loved by you.
It’s who I am. It’s who I am.
Oh, and I've seen many searching for answers far and wide
But I know we're all searching
For answers only you provide
Cause you know just what we need
Before we say a word
Cause you are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways to us
Oh, it's love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think
As you call me deeper still [x3]
Into love, love, love
You’re a good, good Father.
It’s who you are. It’s who you are.
And I’m loved by you.
It’s who I am. It’s who I am.
Cue ugly cry. Like head still hurting, eyes still puffy 6 hours later cry. If God is good, Then... I stood in front of these women snot-nosed and blotchy confessing that I doubted God's goodness. For a good long while, I had been stuffing my emotions and binge watching Netflix and filling my time so that I didn’t have to confront that truth that I was so mad I couldn't see God as good. I am mad at the injustice of my scarred son who deserved to be loved by his tummy mommy and didn’t deserve the abuse that he’ll never be able to recall; mad that my daughter is still caught in another country’s broken adoption system growing up without a loving mom who wants to kiss her and hold her when she’s scared and tickle her to make her laugh and watch her sleep and make happy childhood memories; mad that I don’t know when my family will be all together and definitely mad that even when we are all under one roof life will still be hard because healing from trauma is ugly. I’m mad that I can’t do anything about it even though moms are supposed to be able to protect their children and shelter them from this cruel world. I’m mad that I can’t hold my daughter, and I’m mad that most days my son makes me work so hard to prove my love to him.
BUT
God is good. If we can’t accept that we are doomed. He is not cruel. He is not vindictive. He is not punishing my kids or me. He is perfect in all of His ways. When we lose sight of eternity (which I have done bunches over the last 28 months) then we lose sight of our purpose here on earth. We are not here on this earth to have the happiest, safest, most blessed life. We are here to bring glory to God. We are His image bearers. I confess I lost sight of what is truly important. I will never be able to fix my family in my own strength. I will not be able to make anyone whole. I can only fill my life cup and pour out. When I am filled with God's love I then have pure love to pour out.
The truth I have been denying is that God is Good and I am not; not without Him. I cannot take the wheel and assume control and do better for myself. I am nothing apart from God. I am a good mom because He first loved me. I am compassionate because God demonstrated His own love for me by sending His son to die for my sins. Sin separated me from God. When I confessed my sin and believed that Jesus died in my place I was brought into the family of God; promised a chance to spend eternity worshiping my Creator. I want to remember that this world is not my home. He did not promise me happiness and ease while living here. He promised everlasting life to those who repent from sin and believe that He is our Savior. I must rest that I am only a small part of His story. I must believe that God's goodness and my happiness are not the same. For now, my next move is I will meditate and continue to offer these words to God and abide in these truths -
I TRUST THAT YOU ARE GOOD (In fact, perfect in all Your ways)
I TRUST THAT YOU HAVE GOOD FOR MY FAMILY.
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