A bit of heartache

When the breakthrough is really only a breakdown and we're all just weary of fighting the same battle...

When banging his fists on the same people over and over hoping we will feel the pain he feels every day of his life but really he's just driving a wedge between himself and the people who want to love him...

When time without him is sweeter than any time with him and we feel guilt over feeling "normal" for a moment...

When the girls come to hug us and tell us they're sorry we have to deal with the rage and mean words and how we need to know that none of it is true...

"On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand."

I feel like I'm sinking. I can still remember when I thought life was hard as a family of 5. I dream of that life, and I wake up guilt-ridden that I struggle to find joy the day after nights when all I do is cry after he screams the nastiest words he knows, and takes swings at my face and tells me he's going to cut me when I'm not looking.

We try to protect our friends (and even sometimes our close family) from this. Many don't know his other side. I have struggled with publicly sharing because I want everyone to see him the way he deserves to be seen. He can be sweet, adventurous, funny, respectful, a typical 7 year old who's into mischief and curious about all the right things. He is also struggling with so many demons that there are days I'm sure he will see the inside of a jail cell before he chooses to allow others to be in authority over him.

I grieve for him and the life he should have had. I grieve for the family my girls would have had. I know we were obedient to what God wanted for our family. I know that all my children see glimpses of God's love and forgiveness lived out in ways they never would have if the 6 of us weren't together on this journey. I am acknowledging God's goodness on a daily basis these days, knowing that I am under the tapestry that He is weaving. From this side, it looks ugly, disjointed, knotted and unorganized. I can't wait until I am on the other side and can see the beauty He sees.

When all the ugliness of this world is crashing in I can rest assured that I am firmly planted. The sinking feeling is only because I looked away from Him for a moment and doubted. I pray that I will keep my eyes forward, fixed on truth that I am already fully known, my husband and my children are already fully known by a loving, caring God who provides not only our physical needs but my daily dose of sanity. One day I will know, but today? I only know a bit of heartache...

1 Corinthians 13:12English Standard Version (ESV)

12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

Just 2 more minutes

 When the girls were little I kept a schedule (I know, big surprise). Whenever we needed to keep on task I would give the girls a transition phrase. “Ok, girls, 2 more minutes. Time to clean up.” Whether at home or out, they knew then that it was time to prepare to leave. Two minutes usually didn’t mean a literal 2 minutes. I would get distracted by my own conversations or wouldn’t get my own task wrapped up so our transition time would stretch out. The girls would tug at my clothes and whine,  “Let’s goooo, mom! You said it was time to gooooo.”  

Then it happened.

It was time to go to preschool. I was ready. The baby was in her car seat. We needed to go. I had given the girls the transition phrase 2 minutes earlier. My words went unheard. The girls were still playing. I was upset that they weren’t obeying. My 3 year old looked up and said, “You said two more minutes!” When I replied I had given her 2 more minutes she replied. “Two more minutes means we have more time. We always have more time to play and you make us clean up early!”

I thought of this memory last week as we wait to hear news from Haiti. In the last 2 ½ years that Chris has been home we’ve been waiting. And waiting. And waiting to hear the news that it is time to go visit Baby Girl and “bond” with her on our bonding trip. It will be a 15- day trip where we will be observed and interviewed for 1 of those days by a Haitian Social Worker. They will then write up the meeting and place it with our dossiers so that we can move to the next step of having Baby Girl declared a Hires by the Haitian courts.

We feel like the toys are put away, our shoes are on and now we are tugging. “Come on! It’s time to gooooo!” Through the past few years, we have been told to hope. We’ve been thanked for our patience. We’ve been told it shouldn’t be much longer now. We are still waiting. Still hoping. Still being thanked for our patience. But we are still being told – “Ok, kids, 2 more minutes.”

Please pray for our hearts as we continue to wait on our Haiti invitation for travel (and on a job for Tracy). 

Psalm 27:14 (esv)

Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!

Psalm 42:11 (esv)

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.