Silence is...

...golden.

But in my case, it's been painful and scary and hard. I have filled my moments where I could be silently waiting on the Lord because I fear hearing nothing.

Tracy and I returned from Haiti on August 14th LATE only to hit the ground running with the girls' first day of school the next morning. I didn't have to think or sit still, I just had to do. Hair, outfits, pictures, breakfast, lunches, hearing and telling stories, laundry, emails, work projects. The "to-do" list was great. I would sit down and process the trip later. There was no time. My heart is pounding right now remembering the anxious, overwhelmed feelings of needing it all to be done.

Fast forward and I found myself gearing up for another trip 2 months later, marveling at how time had flown. School, Bible study, running, working, family time, friend time, home management... I had spent time in the word and spent time praying but I had filled up the silence.

I didn't want to be still. Maybe there was fear of hopeless tears, maybe there was fear of being angry at God for not answering my prayers the way I desired, maybe there was fear of doubting God's grace in my son's life. Let me be honest - I KNOW those fears were there.

We found out on August 15th that IBESR would be opening their doors to new dossiers on the morning of the 16th. Our prayers were finally being answered and we would be in the Haitian system after waiting for almost 9 months after our responsibilities were completed! 2 weeks went by and our phone lines were silent. SILENT. No news, no file #, no movement. I am tearing up even now as my heart still gets clutched with frustration over not being able to control others' actions and others' hearts to be the first in line the morning they opened their doors. That's my child who sits in the orphanage an extra 2 weeks apart from us (and maybe longer because there were other files being delivered ahead of us). I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to sit silently bawling my eyes out to the Lord. It hurt too much to dwell in silence. What good does it do to hurt?

God can heal. That's the good. He can take the hurt and the frustration and the confusion of our hearts and clean out the sinful anger and sinful desire to turn away from godly dependence. He then can stitch up our wounds, bandage them and kiss away our tears. He can hold us up and whisper words of comfort that help us know we are not alone in this journey. My prayers have turned from speaking requests to silently listening for His answer. I've made known my heart; now I need to hear His.

We have a file number. It was given to us August 31, 2012. That's almost 14 months after we started the process and 1 year after being matched with Christopher. God asks, "What's 1 year in eternity?" I will wait.

Psalm 5:1-3 Listen to my words, Lord, consider my lament. 
Hear my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.
In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; 
in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.