Good Days and Bad Days

I am not really a morning person. My internal clock would rather be set to begin later than sunrise but I have found the quiet of the morning invaluable as my kids get older and sleep later. I may even get to finish a whole cup of coffee before I hear the first stirring in the house. That said, I have 1 daughter who is CLEARLY a morning person. She wakes up with a song in her voice and a smile on her face. I have a daughter who can be pretty cheery as long as she's gotten a full night's sleep. I then have my darling daughter who we cautiously wake each morning as though waking a hibernating bear. Mornings can be a bit unpredictable before school so we (or should I say "I") started a morning tradition a few months back.


We have a "morning song" 5 minutes before they walk out the door to school. Each girl gets a turn to pick the song. Our favorite for a while now is Mandisa's "Good Morning". It's bright and cheery and we can DANCE!! We turn it up loud, singing and dancing for a few minutes before the reality of the day sends each of us in a different direction.


Yesterday morning we were singing at the top of our lungs and I got a catch in my throat (you know, the one that causes you to stop singing mid sentence?). The words were "I can feel the hope that's rising up in me." I held back my tears. I realized I was having a good day after quite a few bad days. 


Bad days...I mean REALLY bad days. The kind where sunglasses are a must in the grocery store; otherwise, everyone will wonder who died evidenced by the puffy red eyes and the blotchy face (I have mastered the "ugly cry"). I'd like to blame it all on my age and the fact that hormones can start surging. I'd like to say work is stressing me out or I'm a super sensitive person, but those wouldn't be the truth. I took a couple of sleepless nights and a few quiet moments to God and asked, "What is going on? This isn't like me and I hate it!"


I felt like I was doing an amazing job of weathering all the ups and downs of the adoption. My son is well cared for and truly loved by those at the orphanage. He doesn't know what he's missing. This is part of God's plan to help prepare our hearts to bring him home. I could put each emotion that came up in a different box and close the lid. Those lids popped open last week and the tears started. Then, instead of emptying my boxes a Christ's feet, I started listening to the lies that were forming in my head. 


Lies of the enemy: 
I'm not ready to be Christopher's mom. 
I'm jealous of everyone else's forward progress. 
It's wrong to want the process to be faster and for our story to be the exception and miraculous. 
Being sad isn't helping - I have to be strong and positive for my family. 
Wanting to know the details of this adoption process is because of my controlling nature.


The enemy lies in wait for when we are weak and tired; he then twists words. These statements can sound logical and true, but they are wrong! I long for what is mine that I cannot have now. This adoption process is showing me so many parallels of my walk with Jesus. 


I cling to what He has given me, what He has promised me as His child that I only have in part while living here. So through my good days and bad days, He is teaching me that it's okay to be weak, vulnerable and honest. It's just a reminder that this world is not our home and that our longing for things to be made right is a longing for Him.


1 Corinthians 13:12
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.