Christmas letter 2013

It feels surreal that the Christmas season is here already even though this year there are fewer days between Thanksgiving and Christmas than in years past. I know this holiday season will be gone in a blink and I have my camera out to remember the next few weeks but here's a glimpse of 2013 before it slips away.

We started off this year with hope of bringing Christopher home. On September 10th Christy and Christopher stepped off the plane in Denver and we were officially a family of 6 all under one roof. Three months later we can all say we are thankful that God has given us a chance to see his grace, mercy and forgiveness in action. The girls love their brother and he can't wait for them to be home from school each day. It has not been easy but we continue to pray that the good days outnumber the days of struggle. We anticipate and pray that by this time next year we will have a clear picture on when Amelia will be joining our family so that we can be a complete family of 7.

Amelia turned 1 without us by her side this year. She had a bout of pneumonia while we were there in February but recovered and is healthy and growing. Haiti has changed how adoption paperwork is completed since we went in the system with Christopher so we anticipate there will be some slow progress as there will be a learning curve. Please pray with us that our dossier will be a blessing to each person it touches and that God will be glorified in the process of bringing her home. 

Christopher turned 5 this summer. We were able to visit him in February and April before bringing him home in September. He is about the size of a 3 year old currently but is growing and getting stronger every day. He looks forward to being 6 so that he can "go to school" Fall 2014 as a kindergartener. He loves his "bacon" (biking), to trampoline and "watch a movie."

Mathea seamlessly went from 1st to 2nd grade this year. She thrives at Math and loves to sing. She successfully completed Children's Music Academy's 2 ½ year program with a fun recital and is now on her final graduation year with CMA. She loves learning the guitar and making new friends (& mom thinks she’s a great cuddler)!

Kasia is now in her last year of elementary school in 5th grade. She is in the top of her class in every subject but still gets frustrated if she doesn't meet her own expectations of perfection. She volunteers at the Hug 'n Go lane at school, is playing trumpet this year in school band, participates in Singing Eagles before school and is taking piano lessons. She loves Math and music (& mom thinks she's a great writer). 

Ellie is officially a 6th grader in middle school! She doesn't know why mom and dad told her she may not have any fun because she LOVES it. She's in math with 7th graders, is enjoying playing the flute in band, is taking piano lessons, can’t wait to be with her middle school youth group at church each week and wants to get her braces off (& mom loves that she's composing her own piece for her piano recital!)

Christy "retired" after 10 years of the working as a lawyer's assistant. She is still running and was able to complete 6 official half marathons before Christopher came home. Tracy has able to work from home these past 3 months which has been a huge blessing. He is anticipating a continued contract through next year with the company in Seattle he's been working with off and on since 2007.

   

In September, just 10 days after Christopher came home, we moved to a new home to accommodate our growing family. It was a crazy couple of weeks but we have survived and love our new space. We stayed in Superior so that the girls didn't have to switch schools or change friends. It's really feeling like home. If you need our new address just message me and I'll get it to you! 

We are so thankful and grateful for everyone who has supported us through this past year. Please continue to pray as our family finds a new normal and for Amelia's adoption process. Merry Christmas!

Miracles Recounted, part 1

About 5 weeks ago, in the midst of a desperate plea from Haiti for prayer warriors to begin praying that Christopher and I would make our flight home, a good friend joked that I had run out of chances to ask for another miracle. It is true that after August 7th every time we asked, God answered our prayers with a yes. At the time we were 4 weeks into a crazy journey that some would say was brought on by impulse and poor planning. I love to think that God didn't plant his plan for us in our hearts until the 11th hour so we could see His hand and know it was truly all from Him. I love telling this story because it seems crazy and unreal and miraculous.

At the beginning of August when there was no hope of Christopher coming home before school started on August 22nd, Tracy and I decided to take the girls on a "surprise" trip to finish our summer on a fun note. They knew we were driving and they should pack a swimsuit but until the morning we left they had no clue where we were going. So not like us and I was excited! Our short trip WAS fun but it wasn't turning out like we had hoped. I was hoping for a little more free time to read and the girls were hoping for a little more Disneyland excitement than the hotel & water park was providing. Needless to say, there was some grumbling from all sides. We decided to hit an American Girl Store to cheer the clan (more grumbling from dad). On the way there, I mindlessly clicked my phone screen on and there it was - an email from CCAI. August 7 - we have received Christopher's passport and your paperwork is heading over to the Embassy today!!!!! I screamed and read it out loud and we had the BEST DAY EVER dance right there in the mall parking lot. Some grandma offered her granddaughter to take our family's picture. It's amazing how contagious joy is among strangers. It was fun to share our smiles and cheers that day. 

That night as we were packing to go home, I uttered the words that started our crazy next 2 months - "What do you think about moving?"

Many times, we had talked about wanting a home that not only fit our family but also would be a place of ministry whether that was to host families or having a room big enough for a youth ministry...There were certain limitations on our current home that didn't allow for that kind of growth. We both talked about how crazy it would be. We both silently prayed as we fell asleep and the dreams of expanding grew over night. On our drive home we talked to a great friend and asked him to list our home and help us find another one (he thought we were crazy). We talked to a dear friend about helping us with our financing (she didn't know us well enough to tell us we were crazy). We didn't want to hear from anyone else how crazy we were so we silently went home to de-clutter our house in order to put it on the market. That was Thursday while we were on the road driving home...

In one week's time, we had begun packing, paired down, listed our house, had about 5 showings and had our house under contract for more than asking. Talk about miraculous. Can you count them? Still knowing we were crazy, we refused to tell too many people. We were now a little on the nervous side, knowing that in 4 weeks time, we could potentially be homeless without a plan. So we prayed knowing that God didn't lead us this far to leave us. We had looked at 4 potential houses and none of them were the right fit for our future. There were no other options for us to buy... We were staying in our current neighborhood, that was a non-negotiable. So we continued to pray.

We decided to rent until God brought us clarity on the right house to buy. We went to look at a rental that was available as soon as we needed it. I loved the floor plan. Not even knowing that model of home was in our neighborhood, I was encouraged that there were more homes we could look at buying. This model of house was for sale right around the corner - way out of our price range. The day before we were to sign the rental agreement my parents came over. I went on-line to show them the beautiful, updated house for sale as an example of what the rental space would be. The owners had dropped the price the night before, BY A LOT!!! We went and looked at it the next day and I knew. God had picked this house for us. He had it safely out of our price range until we had our old house under contract so that we could make an offer. He showed us the rental so that my mind would be open to the floor plan. We made an offer and 2 weeks after we started on this crazy road, we had 2 houses under contract. 

Here's the part of the story where I have to believe that our God lives outside time and knows perfection of sequence that is unknown to us. It was August 23rd. Due to the our buyer being superstitious, we moved the closing on our old house from September 13th to September 19th. Our new home sellers' travel schedule needed them to push that closing to October 11th. A 3 week gap is no biggie to a stable family of 5. We could be homeless for a little bit...

Ready for this? After the weekend, on August 26th we received the email that we had visa approval and one day later we found out that our little man would be ready to come home September 10th! Talk about news that brings you to your knees in prayer. This was too fast! We weren't ready. We would be living at some level chaos for the next 6 weeks. Again, we were reassured that God would not have brought us this far to leave us without a way. I made plane reservations, put our home in as much order as I could and left to get Christopher on September 6th. Tracy stayed home for the girls' sake and life ceased to be what we had known for the past 7 years as a family of 5...

My Heart for Christopher, Part 2

When I was a little girl in Indiana I was a tomboy. I loved climbing trees, exploring, riding my bike, building forts with any wood/tree branches I could find, and staying out til dark in the forest behind our house. I remember thinking I would never want to be a mom to girls because I wouldn't know what to do with a girl!

Fast forward 30 years and 3 girls later. Much to Tracy's chagrin, we are a girl household! We knew God wanted us to have a son in our family but admittedly I was super nervous! It had been many years since I tapped into my tomboy ways. I had hung up my own grass stained jeans and traded them for pretty dresses. Three princesses later, I wasn't sure if I had the right tools to be a mom of a prince.

I have had such an amazing time watching our son grow in the last 18 months. It's painful to watch your own child get older from afar but in many ways it has helped me tap into a new confidence. I have been given time to grow my love for Christopher and know that God will use my life experiences to be the mom my son needs. He went from a confused, terrified baby boy on my first visit to an almost 5 year old asking any adult who knows us when we are coming back. We treasure the fact that even though he's really not sure what he's in for, he's up for the adventure of joining our family.

We knew this last trip in April was going to be our last bonding trip before we picked him up to bring him to his new home. We couldn't take the painful look of confusion and sadness as we left anymore. He is ours and he knows it. Now it was time to allow the government to do their thing and get 'er done.
It's been almost two months since we played, chased, cuddled and bonded. During our visit God gave me reassurance that I will be ready. My heart melts when he calls me Mama. He's got me wrapped around his little finger. When he smiles, I can't help but smile, too. Over and over, I have doubted my ability, doubted my own strength and have doubted my family's sustained enthusiasm of our family growth. Over and over, God has come alongside and told me I won't ever find success in raising a godly man (& godly women) on my own. I am not alone. God didn't put this desire to be a parent in my heart then push my boat out into the water without oars. I have been given His strength, His Word, and His promises to lean into.

We are so close to finalizing this process that some days I can feel my heartstrings physically being pulled to Haiti. We are waiting on his passport at this time which can be quick or we could get stuck. I can't help but hypothetically check plane ticket prices 6 weeks out... He turns '5' July 19th. It was our prayer 2 years ago that he would be home to celebrate that birthday. I have now accepted that it isn't in God's plan to have that happen. We're praying that he's home some time before school starts in August.

Will you join us in prayer that his paperwork hits no obstacle? Pray that we have a passport within the week and that our visa appt. date gets scheduled by his birthday? That'd be the 2nd best birthday present since he won't be home.  I am full blown nesting which makes all this so much more real. His room is almost ready. At the end of this week, his drawers will be filled with clothes and all the age appropriate books and toys will be shelved and ready for exploration. Heavenly Father, bring Christopher home. May you be glorified in the details of this growing family's story. Amen.

Why adoption?

I am a runner. Why, many of you lovelies ask me? Well, because I am crazy! (That's the answer every non-runner seems to want to hear since those that ask would rather have a root canal or birth another child than get up at 4:45 in the morning to be ready to join me by 5:15am to run for an hour). So the real reason I started running long distance? Because I needed to. Until 3 years ago, I never believed I could run farther than a 10k. Then I got this hair-brained idea to run a half marathon. That's 13.1 miles for you non-runners. That's insane, right? Long story wrapped up because I'm losing all you who don't read the running blogs and running FB pages and network with runners just to find new trails - I ran a 50k (31miles) 2 summers ago and haven't stopped running since. I don't run because I LOVE running. I run for the relationships I have with those who sweat next to me, I run so that I live in a healthier body for my family and our future together, and I run for what God reveals to me about Himself and about our relationship through the physical act of putting myself out there and accomplishing goals I never believed possible.

Why is this relevant to our adoption story? I have been immersed in the adoption world for the last 2 years and feel that many of you friends and family that are not steeped in the adoption coffee chats, FB groups and adoption blogs I read have questions that need answering. Why adoption? Let's start with -

We are NOT adopting because we have it all figured out. We are by our human nature flawed. We are sinners living in a sinful world. We as the Hires family do not now or will we ever want others to believe we are better than anyone and that's why we are adopting. If anything, this process brings out more ugly than you knew was stuffed in your guest room closet!

We are NOT adopting to save or rescue a child to give him a better life in America. If I have learned anything from visiting my son's home in Haiti I have learned this - there is joy and contentment anywhere God has you in life if you choose to accept salvation and are a child of God. There is restoration and hope in allowing God to complete your life. I recently read that World Bank conducted a study some years ago asking over 60,000 poor people from 60 low-income countries, "What is poverty?" Their words speak a different reality than most Americans know. Ashamed that I have nothing to give, cannot afford to invite others to our home, powerless and unheard, hopeless, shame. Americans on the other hand when asked the same question spoke of material lacking - no food, medicine, or housing, etc. The skewed view of poverty in America is a hard pill to swallow. It's subtle but convicting. We don't have more when we have more stuff. We have more when our souls are filled with faith, hope and love. My son loves his home and I know there will be a time of grief as he mourns that loss.

We are NOT paying for a child. The costs associated with adding a child to our family through adoption are fees paid for services required by our agency, lawyer and government to go through the proper legal channels. Some standard fees are for federal/state legal documents, and then there are varying costs based on the country you decide to adopt from and the agency you use. Adoption costs are something that I won't discuss in detail here nor is the topic really appropriate on the playground as I am dropping my 1st grader off at school or as we are catching up in the grocery store. If you are interested in taking the next steps in adoption, I am willing to share details of how to get started over coffee. (Just prepare yourself for tears by bringing me some tissues because I'm just a little passionate these days and it could just be that kind of day in the life of a waiting mom).

Why adoption?

Adoption is our obedience to God. When God called our family to obey we didn't research or go out and interview 15 families that had adopted before us (that would have scared us away for sure!). We obeyed. It sounded exciting and scary all delivered in 1 big Mary Poppins' handbag called a dossier guide. Then came more paperwork, classes, books, counselors, adoptive family stories...We started unpacking what it would mean for our family in the long term and boy did we pull out some big items that will change the path we thought we were on 2 years ago. But we knew if our family was being asked then God would give us the tools to accomplish.

John 14:15-16
¹⁵ If you love Me, obey the commandments I have given you. ¹⁶ I will ask the Father to send you another Helper, the Spirit of truth, who will remain constantly with you.

Adoption is a beautiful picture of what God has given to us through Christ. Through Christ's death on the cross, we have been given the chance to be coheirs with Him for all eternity. We will receive all the inheritance of a child born into a family because we have been given new life. Without divulging too many details of Christopher and Amelia's stories, they are their stories to tell, we have many unanswered questions as to their birth heritage. It will be hard to reconcile the pain and there must be forgiveness involved but Christ has asked us to give these children a home that will show them God's gift in a tangible way.

Ephesians 1:4-7 (The Voice)
⁴ God chose us to be in a relationship with Him even before He laid out plans for this world; He wanted us to live holy lives characterized by love, free from sin, and blameless before Him. ⁵ He destined us to be adopted as His children through the covenant Jesus the Anointed inaugurated in His sacrificial life. This was His pleasure and His will for us. ⁶ Ultimately God is the one worthy of praise for showing us His grace;He is merciful and marvelous, freely giving us these gifts in His Beloved. ⁷ Visualize this: His blood freely flowing down the cross, setting us free! We are forgiven for our sinful ways by the richness of His grace,

Adoption, I believe, will be a catalyst in our family to growing our faith and deepening our walk with God. It will not be easy and it gives a whole new desire for me to find a village to help me raise my kids. We haven't figured it all out or arrived and believe me our maturity level has probably decreased in the last year as our sins lay bare. I leave you with this - adoption may not be for every family but if God is calling you to obey Him in this way He will provide. He will provide relationships, finances, resources and above all He will provide you with His strength to accomplish your calling according to His will.

Ephesians 3:20 (The Voice)
Now to the God who can do so many awe-inspiring things, immeasurable things, things greater than we ever could ask or imagine through the power at work in us, to Him be all glory in the church and in Jesus the Anointed from this generation to the next, forever and ever. Amen.

My Heart for Christopher, part 1

I've been challenged a lot lately, have admitted my imperfections publicly and have been laid bare for those who know me and those who thought they knew me. It's hard to be vulnerable. Being in an exposed position, we can quickly find ourselves in a freeze, fight or flight mode of existence.

Fully living in an emotional state of "flight" since February, I was sure my April trip to Haiti was going to difficult. Even here in blog world where I feel I can be most honest with myself, I realize I didn't share the heartache of our February trip. Although they aren't written here, the details will forever be etched on my life. God pulled and stretched my heart to a larger size that week so that I could be capable of greater compassion for others and greater dependence on Him.

From the first day in February, Christopher was so out of sorts and was in a constant state of freeze or fight that I couldn't let myself relax for fear I would break down in tears. On top of that emotional roller coaster, we found out on our arrival to the orphanage that Amelia was in the hospital. She was brought to our hotel a day after we got to Haiti but she wasn't well enough to be with us so within 24 hours she was back in the hospital. My cortisol levels were soaring and I wanted out of it all. It was a relief to take our son back to his home at the week's end but so sad as well. He bawled and clung to Tracy before getting handed to his Haitian mamas who take such sweet care of him. Dinner back at the hotel that night was hard as we processed the week and I openly admitted that if my April plane ticket wasn't already bought I wouldn't be coming back.

In the weeks following I struggled with God and asked Him the hard questions. Why this little boy, why our family, why me? I wasn't ready to be a mom to a son that clearly had issues beyond my scope of knowledge and experience. I have never been through pain anywhere near his. How will I be able to relate to this level of grief he experiences. I had never felt a challenge so great. At one point, I wanted to pull our file and be done. God gave Tracy the strength to give me words of truth - It will be hard but that little boy is meant for our family. Then the email came earlier than I expected - Congratulations, You have received your adoption decree. Your child is yours in the eyes of Haiti!

What a game changer! I can only liken it to a tumultuous pregnancy full of surprises that ends with a beautiful, healthy, loud proclamation - IT'S A BOY! We have a son and no matter what the future challenges are we can celebrate right now knowing that God meant for us to be a family.

Tracy and I have connected with a counselor who works with adoptive families (Tracy likes calling her our Parenting Coach). She is equipping us to be better parents to our son. I look at pictures of Christopher when he's happy and I see a boy who has potential to do mighty things! I pray for his spiritual journey as God pulls him to His side and lets him know his true identity. My heart is so big for this little man. I am his mama. Some ask why Haitian adoptions takes so long. I don't have a great answer other than - God is growing me each day we are apart and I pray God is growing Christopher each day as well. I am confident it will be God's perfect timing the day we are on the plan home.

Until then -

Psalm 29:11 The LORD will give strength to His people; The LORD will bless His people with peace.

Drum Roll, Please.....

Tonight, we received the announcement that has felt elusive for the past year. Christopher is now a Hires!

In November 2011, all our translated, legalized documents were sent to Haiti. It took the lawyer a total of 5 1/2 months to finalize Christopher's paperwork just in time to have the Haitian IBESR close their doors to new dossiers (May 1, 2012). We happened to be in Haiti with our agency director when he picked up the final paper May 3rd. Every adoptive parent in our travel group circled together on the porch of the orphanage guesthouse, petitioning God for a miracle that we could somehow get into the system. God answered a silent "No" which was sooo hard to hear. We prayed through the whole summer that IBESR would open at the end of May, then in June, then July. Finally, August 16th IBESR opened. We waited for news. Our lawyer has never explained why she waited until September 11, 2013 to file our dossier. We will never know the delay. It was hard to trust God, knowing that we had no control. We wanted to get angry, yet we knew there was no point.

On the flip side, we will never know why we have been blessed to see such incredible speed in the past month. What I do know is that God is God and I am not. God is a God of miracles whether he answers prayers "Yes", "No" or "Wait". While we wait, while we question His timing, there is one thing we know for sure - God has always known. He is here with my family in Colorado and He is there with my family in Haiti. He intimately knows our lawyer, everyone that works at our agency, our orphanage director and all the men and women who work tirelessly taking care of my children. He knows the families that have gone before us and the families that are walking with us. He intimately knows me.

Yesterday was a day of sorrow. Today was a day of rejoicing. Through it all, I am confident that God was present and felt it all. He knows greater pain and greater joys than I can ever experience. He carries my darkest burdens and puts me on His shoulder when I cannot walk. I can sink to the depths and rise to the heights with assurance that where I am there He is also.

The wait is not over. And as the cheering dies down over today's amazing news, I pray this:

God, stay in my sights so that I am not tempted to believe I am alone and take over. 

Each morning, show me what you need me to learn 

and prompt me to be still so that I can draw closer to constant dependence on You. 

A Day to Overshare

I pride myself in being level-headed and pragmatic. It drives my girls crazy and keeps my marriage in tact. Since starting the adoption process, I have begun to get emotional and irrational. In the last year, I have been battling mild depression. I call it mild, why? Because I'm level-headed and pragmatic. Since last May, I've been known to cry at the drop of the hat. I've had days where I laid in bed after my kids go to school not knowing why I have zero motivation to move forward. I reassure myself that there's nothing more I can do. I have filled out all the paperwork, I have read the books, I have second guessed and triple prepared myself for what is to come. I have thought through every scenario (good but mostly bad) and have come up ready for my Haiti babies to be home. I pray and cry out and ask God to move mountains but then end up in a heap of snot rags. So very sad. It comes and goes so I went to a Nutritionist who told me I am uber-healthy in some ways and crashing & burning in other ways but none of it makes much sense. Great.

Why so vulnerable today? That's the question, isn't it. Maybe all this teenage, hormonal crazies hitting me in my late 30s is wigging me out and I am making up for lost time. I want to overshare with someone. I want to talk it out. I want someone to hear me and tell me, "You need meds" or "This is SOOO normal". I reached out for help. Yesterday, after 3 weeks of phone tag, I finally set up an appointment with a counselor for today. I got all gussied up, got in my car, drove 45 minutes to be 5 minutes early. I was there and I was ready to hear the painful truth - "We've got some work to do."

I sat in the waiting room for 40 lonely minutes. I called her after 20 minutes, even though I knew she wouldn't answer. I played back the phone call in my mind from the day before. Maybe I misunderstood what she said. No, I typed the appointment into my phone as we were talking. I couldn't help but fight back tears. Why was I so sad? I cried all the way home.

(Pause as I go blow my nose and pull myself together.)

So, I cry. Today is a sad day. I cry because I couldn't talk it out today. I cry because I need advice specific to my needs and not general "This worked for me" talk that is readily available from strangers who have NEVER been in my shoes but seem to know it all. I cry because my son is seeing some of his friend's parents come to take them home this week. I cry because we have no hope of getting into the system with our baby girl in the 2013 year. I cry because I so desperately want this part of the journey to be over. I cry because each day I don't have my kids here with me is a day of doubt that I will be able to point them to healing that their Heavenly Father has to offer them. I cry for them and because of them. It's a lot.

Don't judge. Don't pity. Don't encourage me and call me brave or courageous or strong. Just let me cry and Pray.

Unspoken Requests

8:00pm on a school night - "Mom, can I...? Never mind..."

Do you have a kid like this? She starts asking me questions ALL the time. Pauses. And refuses to ask. Why? She already knows my answer. Or so she thinks. I like to surprise her every now and then.

"Ask your question, sweetie."
"You'll just say 'No'."
"You don't know my answer until you ask."
"Can I have some ice cream?"
"Yes, you may have ice cream, but just 1 scoop. Was that so hard?"

It struck me today that I have been reluctant to ask God for things that are on my heart. I already know His answer. Or so I think I know. It's almost unbearable to fathom hearing the confirmation that I have in my heart - He does't want to give me what I desire right now and so I sit in silence.

Then God gently says to me -

"Ask your question, sweetie."
"You'll just say 'No'."

"You don't know my answer until you ask."

James 4:2b (The Voice)
You do not have because you have chosen not to ask.

John 16:21-24 (The Voice)

In the same way that a woman labors in great pain during childbirth only to forget the intensity of the pain when she holds her child, when I return, your labored grief will also change into a joy that cannot be stolen. When all this transpires, you will finally have the answers you have been seeking. I tell you the truth, anything you ask of the Father in My name, He will give to you. Until this moment, you have not sought after anything in My name. Ask and you will receive so that you will be filled with joy.