I've been challenged a lot lately, have admitted my imperfections publicly and have been laid bare for those who know me and those who thought they knew me. It's hard to be vulnerable. Being in an exposed position, we can quickly find ourselves in a freeze, fight or flight mode of existence.
Fully living in an emotional state of "flight" since February, I was sure my April trip to Haiti was going to difficult. Even here in blog world where I feel I can be most honest with myself, I realize I didn't share the heartache of our February trip. Although they aren't written here, the details will forever be etched on my life. God pulled and stretched my heart to a larger size that week so that I could be capable of greater compassion for others and greater dependence on Him.
From the first day in February, Christopher was so out of sorts and was in a constant state of freeze or fight that I couldn't let myself relax for fear I would break down in tears. On top of that emotional roller coaster, we found out on our arrival to the orphanage that Amelia was in the hospital. She was brought to our hotel a day after we got to Haiti but she wasn't well enough to be with us so within 24 hours she was back in the hospital. My cortisol levels were soaring and I wanted out of it all. It was a relief to take our son back to his home at the week's end but so sad as well. He bawled and clung to Tracy before getting handed to his Haitian mamas who take such sweet care of him. Dinner back at the hotel that night was hard as we processed the week and I openly admitted that if my April plane ticket wasn't already bought I wouldn't be coming back.
In the weeks following I struggled with God and asked Him the hard questions. Why this little boy, why our family, why me? I wasn't ready to be a mom to a son that clearly had issues beyond my scope of knowledge and experience. I have never been through pain anywhere near his. How will I be able to relate to this level of grief he experiences. I had never felt a challenge so great. At one point, I wanted to pull our file and be done. God gave Tracy the strength to give me words of truth - It will be hard but that little boy is meant for our family. Then the email came earlier than I expected - Congratulations, You have received your adoption decree. Your child is yours in the eyes of Haiti!
What a game changer! I can only liken it to a tumultuous pregnancy full of surprises that ends with a beautiful, healthy, loud proclamation - IT'S A BOY! We have a son and no matter what the future challenges are we can celebrate right now knowing that God meant for us to be a family.
Tracy and I have connected with a counselor who works with adoptive families (Tracy likes calling her our Parenting Coach). She is equipping us to be better parents to our son. I look at pictures of Christopher when he's happy and I see a boy who has potential to do mighty things! I pray for his spiritual journey as God pulls him to His side and lets him know his true identity. My heart is so big for this little man. I am his mama. Some ask why Haitian adoptions takes so long. I don't have a great answer other than - God is growing me each day we are apart and I pray God is growing Christopher each day as well. I am confident it will be God's perfect timing the day we are on the plan home.
Until then -
Psalm 29:11 The LORD will give strength to His people; The LORD will bless His people with peace.
xxooox. this blessed me.
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