The Waiting

I used to blog. All the time. Remember about a decade ago when everyone took to computer to tell their stories. I read & followed bloggers, tried my hand at sharing and wrote all the time. It became an idol. Was I good enough? Did I blog often enough? Who read my stories? Was my life making an impact? I became obsessed so I stepped away. It was hard to cut the ties but oh so necessary. I couldn't compete with my own self.

I waited for the next obsession to come. It's in my nature. I get a little gung-ho about my projects. So I decided to run. Boy, did I run. At the end of 2010, I made my first New Year's Resolution - run my first half marathon in 2011. At the end of 2010, I was introduced to my best friend who could help me make that happen. She was writing a half marathon/Bible study book, marrying 2 of her passions. I couldn't resist and we started. It didn't take long and I was addicted. Nooooo, not to running. To the relationships I was forming. I could run, talk and get therapy all at the same time with my running group. In 2011, I not only ran my first half, I went on to run my first (and last) ultra marathon (50k!). Why do I tell you this on a blog about waiting? I waited that entire year for my runner's high. The one runners talk about. They can't wait getting out on the trail to "feel" this high. Some say it comes after running a while and you start feeling fatigued then all of a sudden, the "high". Well, I did have moments when energy came and I pushed through the finish, but I can't say I ever found my runner's high. Just 5 short years later, I can barely finish a 5k without cursing. Running isn't my thing. I stopped waiting and moved on.

During my short-lived running career, I learned about waiting in another aspect of my life. Really learned. We started our adoption process with Chris. Man, I hated hearing my phone ring only to see that it was a friend (sorry if you were that friend; I really love you). I wanted every phone call to be from our adoption agency giving us good news. I REALLY hated when our agent called only to see how we were doing. Sheesh! Way to be supportively unsupportive (jk, Patrick, I loved every call we every had). Waiting became a thing I had to try and actively NOT do. I had to fill my days just so I wasn't waiting by the phone or refreshing my email. I went back to school. It was my saving grace. I could actively wait without obsessively wait. I could read a book or take notes while standing on the rampart looking for news.

November 2012 I met her. Totally on accident. I was heading down to Haiti on a medical trip/spend time with Chris. A week before we left we were told there was a premie newborn that had been brought to Lifeline. Our town collected premie onesies and premie diapers. When I got to Haiti, I held her because babies need to be held and loved and touched. There were plenty of other hands that held her, but I happen to be holding her the day I knew she was supposed to be in our family.

The Waiting. It has been 4 years since that week. It has been 47 months since we started the adoption process with her. Due to changing laws it has been 35 months since we entered the Haitian system to adopt her. It has been 23 months since our family's dossier was approved so they could present her paperwork and we could be matched. We have been actively waiting, standing ready to go on our 15 day bonding trip at the drop of a hat notice. We haven't taken vacations so that Tracy has enough time off. We haven't called in favors from family and friends, cuz let's face it 15 days in our shoes with 4 kids can be HARD!

I just got back from a medical trip in Haiti with my oldest. She got to meet her baby sister for the first time. They are a decade apart in age. Every month baby girl doesn't come home is another month Ellie doesn't have with her sister before college (I know we are forward thinkers). That trip was the hardest because I found out information that our agency doesn't know. They tell us they are working hard to gather information that I found out within 24 hours of being on the ground in Haiti. The problem? I can't do anything because we aren't matched and I can't interfere, be involved, pay more, stand up for my girl. It's against the law at this stage in the game. Still we wait. Why? Because she's not an idea or a name or a project, she's my girl. Her name has been etched on my heart. Her bird has been tattooed on my body. She is my heart.

We are being held captive to a corruption so deep. We are begging God to show us where to fight, and He has given us some direction and strength. In this waiting, we are more active than ever. We are now asking questions, calling people to the rug and stepping in where others have not. We will walk up to that line of legality and do everything in our power to bring this beautiful little girl home.

Until then...

Jamie Grace - The Waiting

What will it look like?
What will it be like?
When my world turns out like you planned
And when will I get there?
Feels like I'm nowhere
My dreams are like dust in my hands
But I know
This is the waiting, I anxiously wait,
As I hold on to Love that won't ever let go,
And in these times when my patience is tested
Won't you remind me that I'm not alone
Here in the waiting the waiting the waiting

All of the questions, secret confessions
Lord, you'll make sense of it all
And I know you'll show up so I'm letting go of
These thoughts that are taking control
This is the waiting, I anxiously wait,
As I hold on to Love that won't ever let go,
And in these times when my patience is tested
Won't you remind me that I'm not alone
Here in the waiting the waiting the waiting

Oh and I know, I know this is the Waiting the waiting

And in these times when my patience is tested

You are the Love that will never let go

Here in the waiting, the waiting

So I'll be here waiting, waiting, waiting

Believing you'll never let go.