When banging his fists on the same people over and over hoping we will feel the pain he feels every day of his life but really he's just driving a wedge between himself and the people who want to love him...
When time without him is sweeter than any time with him and we feel guilt over feeling "normal" for a moment...
When the girls come to hug us and tell us they're sorry we have to deal with the rage and mean words and how we need to know that none of it is true...
"On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand."
I feel like I'm sinking. I can still remember when I thought life was hard as a family of 5. I dream of that life, and I wake up guilt-ridden that I struggle to find joy the day after nights when all I do is cry after he screams the nastiest words he knows, and takes swings at my face and tells me he's going to cut me when I'm not looking.
We try to protect our friends (and even sometimes our close family) from this. Many don't know his other side. I have struggled with publicly sharing because I want everyone to see him the way he deserves to be seen. He can be sweet, adventurous, funny, respectful, a typical 7 year old who's into mischief and curious about all the right things. He is also struggling with so many demons that there are days I'm sure he will see the inside of a jail cell before he chooses to allow others to be in authority over him.
I grieve for him and the life he should have had. I grieve for the family my girls would have had. I know we were obedient to what God wanted for our family. I know that all my children see glimpses of God's love and forgiveness lived out in ways they never would have if the 6 of us weren't together on this journey. I am acknowledging God's goodness on a daily basis these days, knowing that I am under the tapestry that He is weaving. From this side, it looks ugly, disjointed, knotted and unorganized. I can't wait until I am on the other side and can see the beauty He sees.
When all the ugliness of this world is crashing in I can rest assured that I am firmly planted. The sinking feeling is only because I looked away from Him for a moment and doubted. I pray that I will keep my eyes forward, fixed on truth that I am already fully known, my husband and my children are already fully known by a loving, caring God who provides not only our physical needs but my daily dose of sanity. One day I will know, but today? I only know a bit of heartache...
1 Corinthians 13:12English Standard Version (ESV)
12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
I don't have adequate words, but know you are loved. You do need to share the journey and are better for unloading the burden of silence.
ReplyDeleteI will be in prayer for you, sister. The battle is not against flesh and blood and we know this but it is the flesh and blood we deal with every day. The power of God is at work, as you well know and trust in. But the day to day living can be so overwhelming. We are seeing strides forward and then we get knocked back about 100, 000 steps, it seems. These kids, so damaged, so lovable, so scarred, so scared!! He is the Great Physician of the body and mind. I am trusting Him to finish His wonderful work in your children, all of them!!!
ReplyDeleteGod is watching, He knows all and sees all and is working for our good!! The liar is just going to keep on lying and we are going to keep believing.
In His amazing love, Alecia O'Byrne
Thank you for your transparency so we who have walked this way feel a kinship and are reminded how to pray for you.
I know this ache, grief, sadness, joy but experienced it through teen years and now transition to adulthood. Praying.
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