Can't put my finger on why...I'm so good at it (oozing sarcasm!)
I was reading the Bible but couldn't break free from my old limited thoughts of surrender: laying down my life, following Christ, turning the other cheek, giving up what holds me back from serving God. Yes, all that was true but what was I missing that I couldn't fit surrender into my current circumstance? Just as the rich young ruler in Matthew 19 ask, "I've done all that. What am I lacking?" I went to my huge home library to search for a wise scholar's answers and found no books on the topic. zip. zilch. nada. That was a harsh reality. I've NEVER wanted to read about surrender!?!
Surrender. I sure have been through it a few times in my life. It's painful when I resist and oh so hard to endure the war inside when my old self creeps in to see if the coast is clear to come back for a staycation in my heart. Surrender has always sounded so final. It ends wars, fights, life. True, but I've been rethinking the whole process of surrender. Surrender also begins newness, birth.
I have controlling tendencies. That is what God is asking me to surrender. Just as the rich young ruler couldn't imagine giving away his fortune, I struggle with handing control over to God. I'm a doer. If I'm idle, then I must be sick. There's never an excuse for sitting still unless it's to catch my breath before I move on to my next task. I've been striving to read books about adoption, go to all my parenting classes, chat with moms who've been there, are there, are wanting to be there. I've been asking questions and readying my heart and my home. I'm doing my part. Then. Wait For It.
God's asks me to surrender. To the process. To His timing. To stillness. I have to acknowledge that my only requirement now is to keep my listening ears tuned to God. Obedience, trust and prayer is what I hear today. I have to let go and stop striving in order to hear from God. I know how I want to prepare for this little man in my life and our family, but how does God want to prepare me?
