A bit of heartache

When the breakthrough is really only a breakdown and we're all just weary of fighting the same battle...

When banging his fists on the same people over and over hoping we will feel the pain he feels every day of his life but really he's just driving a wedge between himself and the people who want to love him...

When time without him is sweeter than any time with him and we feel guilt over feeling "normal" for a moment...

When the girls come to hug us and tell us they're sorry we have to deal with the rage and mean words and how we need to know that none of it is true...

"On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand."

I feel like I'm sinking. I can still remember when I thought life was hard as a family of 5. I dream of that life, and I wake up guilt-ridden that I struggle to find joy the day after nights when all I do is cry after he screams the nastiest words he knows, and takes swings at my face and tells me he's going to cut me when I'm not looking.

We try to protect our friends (and even sometimes our close family) from this. Many don't know his other side. I have struggled with publicly sharing because I want everyone to see him the way he deserves to be seen. He can be sweet, adventurous, funny, respectful, a typical 7 year old who's into mischief and curious about all the right things. He is also struggling with so many demons that there are days I'm sure he will see the inside of a jail cell before he chooses to allow others to be in authority over him.

I grieve for him and the life he should have had. I grieve for the family my girls would have had. I know we were obedient to what God wanted for our family. I know that all my children see glimpses of God's love and forgiveness lived out in ways they never would have if the 6 of us weren't together on this journey. I am acknowledging God's goodness on a daily basis these days, knowing that I am under the tapestry that He is weaving. From this side, it looks ugly, disjointed, knotted and unorganized. I can't wait until I am on the other side and can see the beauty He sees.

When all the ugliness of this world is crashing in I can rest assured that I am firmly planted. The sinking feeling is only because I looked away from Him for a moment and doubted. I pray that I will keep my eyes forward, fixed on truth that I am already fully known, my husband and my children are already fully known by a loving, caring God who provides not only our physical needs but my daily dose of sanity. One day I will know, but today? I only know a bit of heartache...

1 Corinthians 13:12English Standard Version (ESV)

12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

Just 2 more minutes

 When the girls were little I kept a schedule (I know, big surprise). Whenever we needed to keep on task I would give the girls a transition phrase. “Ok, girls, 2 more minutes. Time to clean up.” Whether at home or out, they knew then that it was time to prepare to leave. Two minutes usually didn’t mean a literal 2 minutes. I would get distracted by my own conversations or wouldn’t get my own task wrapped up so our transition time would stretch out. The girls would tug at my clothes and whine,  “Let’s goooo, mom! You said it was time to gooooo.”  

Then it happened.

It was time to go to preschool. I was ready. The baby was in her car seat. We needed to go. I had given the girls the transition phrase 2 minutes earlier. My words went unheard. The girls were still playing. I was upset that they weren’t obeying. My 3 year old looked up and said, “You said two more minutes!” When I replied I had given her 2 more minutes she replied. “Two more minutes means we have more time. We always have more time to play and you make us clean up early!”

I thought of this memory last week as we wait to hear news from Haiti. In the last 2 ½ years that Chris has been home we’ve been waiting. And waiting. And waiting to hear the news that it is time to go visit Baby Girl and “bond” with her on our bonding trip. It will be a 15- day trip where we will be observed and interviewed for 1 of those days by a Haitian Social Worker. They will then write up the meeting and place it with our dossiers so that we can move to the next step of having Baby Girl declared a Hires by the Haitian courts.

We feel like the toys are put away, our shoes are on and now we are tugging. “Come on! It’s time to gooooo!” Through the past few years, we have been told to hope. We’ve been thanked for our patience. We’ve been told it shouldn’t be much longer now. We are still waiting. Still hoping. Still being thanked for our patience. But we are still being told – “Ok, kids, 2 more minutes.”

Please pray for our hearts as we continue to wait on our Haiti invitation for travel (and on a job for Tracy). 

Psalm 27:14 (esv)

Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!

Psalm 42:11 (esv)

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

And Breathe...

I'm always in control. Of my emotions, of my schedule, of my kids' schedule, of my me time, of my small business startup. Until I'm not.

The most overused misquote from the Bible is, "God will not give you anything you can't handle." I encourage you to read 1 Corinthians 10 with the understanding that this passage is about being tempted to sin and not about being handed some tough blows from a cruel world. You'll not find that quote anywhere in Corinthians or anywhere in the Bible for that matter. I believe God does give us situations we can't handle ON OUR OWN. When we receive news that feels crushing, it may be that the news IS crushing us; news that changes our current trajectory to an entirely different path than we were on just hours before.

Career. It's been a month since Tracy came home to tell me that his company was closing its doors. Chest tight. Can hardly breathe. I'm telling myself, "Hold it together and ask questions." My past trauma comes flooding back. This wasn't the first time I'd heard this news from him. We had been married for 4 months, pregnant for 2 and were till figuring out life together. Panic then was nothing compared to the panic I was having to stuff down in a new box of something else I needed to control. Before: No kids. Rent. Working a full-time job for income. Now: 4 kids with 1 more coming. Mortgage. Small business in the startup phase. When do we tell the kids? How long will we be able to pay the bills? Will we have to move? Are there jobs even available? Can I be emotionally strong for 6 people? Pretty sure I can't handle this one.

Adoption #1. You.Meet.Your.Baby. I say baby because really, when do your kids stop being your baby? When they start having their own? Whether it's a picture or in person you see that being meant to be in your family and you hope. A desire and then a tug on the heart and you're a goner. I hoped and dreamt and created a future where everything was going to be restored. But really adoption has stripped me bare of any idea that I have a sliver of control over another person's heart. It has taught me that no matter how much I want someone else to make the right choices, choose healing, seek forgiveness for their own heart, I can only influence. I can pray, I can demonstrate, I can set boundaries, I can continue to hope, but I can't be the answer. I still struggle to know what part of the story with my son is OUR story and which part is mine. I do so want to share what I have been through but I would never want to cause him shame or hurt over the grievances done to me. Pretty sure I can't handle this.

Adoption #2. Rules have changed. Anguish ensues. Every day passed is another day without my family complete. I met her when she was a newborn. She's now over 3 years old. Sucking the life out of me writing those words. I've written and shared a little about this journey. This saga is not new to most of you; it's just that sometimes I realize I have no control over my emotions and I'm a hot mess. No one needs to see that. It's ugly. Can't handle this.

Education. One heading to college (& she's really only going to be a freshman in high school, but her amazing planning has me visualizing her 4 years from now), one who wants to be homeschooled, one who needs more help with school than anyone seems to know how to handle right now. Yes, I have 4 kids and I'm thankful one is doing well today. Between researching curriculum, high school class options, college prep courses, private schools, comprehensive testing, counseling, psychologists...I just want to sit in my closet and cry. Nope. I know I can't handle this.

It's when I find rest under God's strong wings that I can find the strength to battle on. It's when I can have eternal perspective given to me by God that I see these trials as temporary. I am sure that "this too shall pass". I will become older and wiser and have a few more gray hairs on my head, but I will not give up. With God's strength I will handle it all. I will relinquish the control I think I have and breathe...

The moment of truth

It’s that moment when I realized I had been denying truth for a very long time. I sat there weeping in front of some of my very close friends and some very real strangers knowing that there was no way out of the ugly cry. 

At the end of a women’s weekend conference, we were asked to respond to this question - What’s your next move? 

I couldn’t decide. Every word and answer in my head was vague. I figured that since nothing was jumping out at me it wasn’t my time to hear from God. Just wait, Christy. The day's almost over then you can mull it over when you get home. 

Then I heard it. I stood up, went to the front of the room and wrote my answer. 

TRUST THAT GOD IS GOOD. 

I didn’t like it. The moment I wrote it I got mad at myself. Of course I know God is good. Why did I write that? That's my next move? So I began again. I wrote

TRUST THAT GOD HAS GOOD FOR MY FAMILY. 

What?! That’s not what I meant either! Of course God has good for my family. I know His promises. I know His truth. I slunk back to my seat and plopped down. Then the song started…

Oh, I've heard a thousand stories of what they think you're like

But I've heard the tender whisper of love in the dead of night

And you tell me that you're pleased

And that I'm never alone

You’re a good, good Father. 

It’s who you are. It’s who you are.

And I’m loved by you. 

It’s who I am. It’s who I am. 

Oh, and I've seen many searching for answers far and wide

But I know we're all searching

For answers only you provide

Cause you know just what we need

Before we say a word

Cause you are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways to us

Oh, it's love so undeniable

I, I can hardly speak

Peace so unexplainable

I, I can hardly think

As you call me deeper still [x3]

Into love, love, love

You’re a good, good Father. 

It’s who you are. It’s who you are.

And I’m loved by you. 

It’s who I am. It’s who I am.

Cue ugly cry. Like head still hurting, eyes still puffy 6 hours later cry. If God is good, Then... I stood in front of these women snot-nosed and blotchy confessing that I doubted God's goodness. For a good long while, I had been stuffing my emotions and binge watching Netflix and filling my time so that I didn’t have to confront that truth that I was so mad I couldn't see God as good. I am mad at the injustice of my scarred son who deserved to be loved by his tummy mommy and didn’t deserve the abuse that he’ll never be able to recall; mad that my daughter is still caught in another country’s broken adoption system growing up without a loving mom who wants to kiss her and hold her when she’s scared and tickle her to make her laugh and watch her sleep and make happy childhood memories; mad that I don’t know when my family will be all together and definitely mad that even when we are all under one roof life will still be hard because healing from trauma is ugly. I’m mad that I can’t do anything about it even though moms are supposed to be able to protect their children and shelter them from this cruel world. I’m mad that I can’t hold my daughter, and I’m mad that most days my son makes me work so hard to prove my love to him. 

BUT

God is good. If we can’t accept that we are doomed. He is not cruel. He is not vindictive. He is not punishing my kids or me. He is perfect in all of His ways. When we lose sight of eternity (which I have done bunches over the last 28 months) then we lose sight of our purpose here on earth. We are not here on this earth to have the happiest, safest, most blessed life. We are here to bring glory to God. We are His image bearers. I confess I lost sight of what is truly important. I will never be able to fix my family in my own strength. I will not be able to make anyone whole. I can only fill my life cup and pour out. When I am filled with God's love I then have pure love to pour out.

The truth I have been denying is that God is Good and I am not; not without Him. I cannot take the wheel and assume control and do better for myself. I am nothing apart from God. I am a good mom because He first loved me. I am compassionate because God demonstrated His own love for me by sending His son to die for my sins. Sin separated me from God. When I confessed my sin and believed that Jesus died in my place I was brought into the family of God; promised a chance to spend eternity worshiping my Creator. I want to remember that this world is not my home. He did not promise me happiness and ease while living here. He promised everlasting life to those who repent from sin and believe that He is our Savior. I must rest that I am only a small part of His story. I must believe that God's goodness and my happiness are not the same. For now, my next move is I will meditate and continue to offer these words to God and abide in these truths - 

I TRUST THAT YOU ARE GOOD (In fact, perfect in all Your ways)

I TRUST THAT YOU HAVE GOOD FOR MY FAMILY.

Happy Gotcha Day!

It's been a year. A year of change.

This is the 1st picture we received in our referral package - July 2011

A quick snap at dinner eating Pho daddy made - September 2014

Changes in our physical location, attitudes of the heart, heights & weights, emotions, daily routine, church body and spiritual maturity to name a few. In this year, the Hires family has become stronger, sillier, sadder, happier, more joyful, more optimistic, more effected by ignorant words of those who don't understand, richer, more resolved, closer, more dependent on a Savior who is our Redeemer. He has given us more love than we've asked for and more grace than we deserve.

When asked what are some "highlights" and "lowlights" in her life for a class assignment, Kasia included her brother coming home as a high. I love that it comes naturally for my girls to think of our expanding family as a highlight. It hasn't been all roses. The first few months were wearing on us all as we adjusted to being a family of 6. There was uncontrollable rage that we managed only by the fact that our tornado weighed only 30lbs. at the time. There was such sadness that turned into anger we sought counseling to help understand how to heal his heart on a daily basis.

I sat across the table from our social worker this past weekend marveling at the words she wrote about where we were even 6 months ago. If ever someone would say, "This isn't the same little boy." I would reply, "Chris continues to discover the boy God has always wanted him to be."

In this last year Chris has learned how to sleep alone in his own big boy bed in his own room (even though he still gets scared some nights). He's learned to come get us when his dark room is scary or if he falls and gets hurt. He learned how to ride a 2 wheel bike within a day like he'd always known how to ride. He's shown us how has can jump higher, tumble further and run faster than most 5 & 6 year olds I know. He's learned how to cry when someone hurts his feelings or knocks him down instead of coming at them with a fist. He starts conversations with strangers, always asking me, "Are they my friend?" He loves his mom & dad, his teachers, his friends, his sisters (both here and his baby sister in Haiti that he tells everyone about). He loves Super Why and Disney movies. He can't wait to ride a plane again and constantly talks about wanting to be a bird so he can fly. He loved Disneyland and any hotel room we visited this summer. He learned how to swim and chose the pool over a movie most days this summer. His favorite foods are hamburgers (or hotdogs depending on the day) and broccoli with vanilla ice cream for dessert, of course.

We have learned to roll with the punches, both literally and figuratively, and have learned that no matter how long it takes we will always show our son we are stronger and are willing to take it all, demonstrating to him that God can handle anything he ever throws His way.

As we celebrate having Chris in our home for a year, I am convinced that God did an amazing job of picking my kids! They're all pretty great. I have never been less confident of my parenting skills and never more confident that I cannot be the best mom on my own. So on this day I pray:

God, grant me forgiveness when I sin and fall away from a right and true relationship with you, because without You I am not who you want me to be as a wife and mother. Show me where I can grow and mature, and I pray for the humility and discernment to change directions when I am making wrong choices. Provide grace upon grace, peace upon peace and wisdom that surpasses all understanding so that I may pour it out onto my family, teaching them to walk in your ways. Help me always hold highly to Your truths and loosely to my children's hands so that when it their time to move forward in life they will have the confidence and stability of the Holy Spirit in their hearts to do so. Thank you for giving me the privilege of being their mom! Amen

Majesty in the Mundane

Majesty - a. The greatness and dignity of a sovereign. b. The sovereignty and power of God 

As I reflect on my past 4 months, I cannot believe how time has flown. I can tell you that the 4 months preceding when I was separated from my son were excruciatingly slow to the point that I was desperately warding off depression as I tried daily to trust in God's sovereign hand and pleading on my Haitian born children's behalf.

I must say that although the months have gone in a blink it has been HARD. Not hard like, "Wow, that workout was hard. I am going to be sore in the morning." but "Oh LORD, if you don't take away some of this hardship I am going to collapse under the magnitude of its weight and sustain some nasty scars."

At times, being an adoptive parent can feel crushing and daunting. The problems our children are facing in their hearts and minds can seem insurmountable as a parent on the outside looking in. No matter how safe you make their surroundings, no matter how many times you say "Yes," no matter how often you cry out and pray for God to take away the spirit of fear, you can't control it all away. And that can feel crippling.

At times, being an adoptive parent is the most amazing reward. The joy in his smile, the cuddles of a little boy who has longed for that kind of touch for so long, the triumphs of him learning new independence makes the hard times worth it. Seeing the hard shell of anger being chipped away is a treasure I will forever hold as sacred. I missed so many firsts but I get to be a part of so many more. He is a different child today than he was four months ago.

As I was retelling some of my struggles to a friend over coffee yesterday I realized that the child God delivered into my life through a snapshot 2 ½ years ago is exactly the little boy who I needed in order to see the hand of God connect my past with my future. His timing and his plan are not what I would have chosen for myself but they are His gift to me. It is now my responsibility to find His majesty in the everyday (which comprises most days of trying to be a mom to a 5 ½ year old with the emotional maturity of a 2 year old and a mentality of a 12 year old).

Lord, I need you today. Thank you for giving me a chance to learn how to lean into you through parenting.

Christmas letter 2013

It feels surreal that the Christmas season is here already even though this year there are fewer days between Thanksgiving and Christmas than in years past. I know this holiday season will be gone in a blink and I have my camera out to remember the next few weeks but here's a glimpse of 2013 before it slips away.

We started off this year with hope of bringing Christopher home. On September 10th Christy and Christopher stepped off the plane in Denver and we were officially a family of 6 all under one roof. Three months later we can all say we are thankful that God has given us a chance to see his grace, mercy and forgiveness in action. The girls love their brother and he can't wait for them to be home from school each day. It has not been easy but we continue to pray that the good days outnumber the days of struggle. We anticipate and pray that by this time next year we will have a clear picture on when Amelia will be joining our family so that we can be a complete family of 7.

Amelia turned 1 without us by her side this year. She had a bout of pneumonia while we were there in February but recovered and is healthy and growing. Haiti has changed how adoption paperwork is completed since we went in the system with Christopher so we anticipate there will be some slow progress as there will be a learning curve. Please pray with us that our dossier will be a blessing to each person it touches and that God will be glorified in the process of bringing her home. 

Christopher turned 5 this summer. We were able to visit him in February and April before bringing him home in September. He is about the size of a 3 year old currently but is growing and getting stronger every day. He looks forward to being 6 so that he can "go to school" Fall 2014 as a kindergartener. He loves his "bacon" (biking), to trampoline and "watch a movie."

Mathea seamlessly went from 1st to 2nd grade this year. She thrives at Math and loves to sing. She successfully completed Children's Music Academy's 2 ½ year program with a fun recital and is now on her final graduation year with CMA. She loves learning the guitar and making new friends (& mom thinks she’s a great cuddler)!

Kasia is now in her last year of elementary school in 5th grade. She is in the top of her class in every subject but still gets frustrated if she doesn't meet her own expectations of perfection. She volunteers at the Hug 'n Go lane at school, is playing trumpet this year in school band, participates in Singing Eagles before school and is taking piano lessons. She loves Math and music (& mom thinks she's a great writer). 

Ellie is officially a 6th grader in middle school! She doesn't know why mom and dad told her she may not have any fun because she LOVES it. She's in math with 7th graders, is enjoying playing the flute in band, is taking piano lessons, can’t wait to be with her middle school youth group at church each week and wants to get her braces off (& mom loves that she's composing her own piece for her piano recital!)

Christy "retired" after 10 years of the working as a lawyer's assistant. She is still running and was able to complete 6 official half marathons before Christopher came home. Tracy has able to work from home these past 3 months which has been a huge blessing. He is anticipating a continued contract through next year with the company in Seattle he's been working with off and on since 2007.

   

In September, just 10 days after Christopher came home, we moved to a new home to accommodate our growing family. It was a crazy couple of weeks but we have survived and love our new space. We stayed in Superior so that the girls didn't have to switch schools or change friends. It's really feeling like home. If you need our new address just message me and I'll get it to you! 

We are so thankful and grateful for everyone who has supported us through this past year. Please continue to pray as our family finds a new normal and for Amelia's adoption process. Merry Christmas!